Saturday, July 19, 2014

Speed 2 Month Day 19: How to Watch a Kevin Smith Film and Still Have Faith That All Movies from Now until the End of Time Will Not Suck


I make no bones about what I like and what I don’t. I know plenty of folks that care little for what I do, and while they may be wrong in that aspect, it’s okay to be wrong. It’s a mostly free country, no matter what the news media tell you. I do not like Kevin Smith movies. I do not like Kevin Smith stories. I do not like Kevin Smith thinking he’s funny – he isn’t. That said, I’d probably like the guy if I knew him personally. Except… it’s unlikely. I wouldn’t go as far to say it isn’t his fault; his movies and stories just don’t do it for me. I can’t say he’s a terrible writer, I just don’t find them as entertaining as many of you fellow filmgoers.

My first Kevin Smith movie was CLERKS. I didn’t hate it, expressly, but it really didn’t resonate with me. The main character was almost likeable, but the shots were blurry, the dialogue inane and beyond uninspired and everyone else was just so bloody stupid it made my teeth hurt. When I returned it to the video store, my reaction was, “Meh”. It’s poop humor and if that’s what gets you laughing, it’s all yours. I can admit to its successes, as it pulled in 3 million off a 27 thousand dollar budget, but it really wasn’t for me. Plus, to hear Smith hailed as the greatest new director in a generation annoyed the piss out of me. One movie does not make you great, son.

I skipped MALLRATS for CHASING AMY, and that was probably because MALLRATS just didn’t interest me in the slightest. CHASING AMY was watchable, mostly. It felt as if it were just pandering, as again, it focused on something that Smith thinks he has knowledge of, in this case, comic books. Jason Lee was the breakout, even if the script kept the character from growing too far, as in all Smith movies, every character has a blind spot that makes them unerringly dumb. The end result of watching CHASING AMY made it the most likeable of the Smith movies I’ve watched. It was also the most successful (to date) raking in 12 million on a 250 thousand dollar budget.

I continued to skip MALLRATS, catching DOGMA when it was released to video. All the controversy surrounding it, as well as the bizarre statements Smith would make in defending the movie, made me a little curious. Unfortunately, Ben Affleck long by then had already turned me away from movies (and continues to do so). By the time I saw the movie, I was more than disinterested, but I was just “in the mood” to see a burning trainwreck of a film. Well, it wasn’t that. Take out the horribly stupid characters of Jay and Silent Bob, who, to me, just seem a way for Smith to appear in his own movies as well as attempt to connect them all with some recurring theme, and the movie might have been decent. There were a number of scenes that seemed lifted from a variety of sources, such as the Sandman comic series, and the final act is one silly, farcical conclusion with no real meaning. DOGMA cost 10 million and topped 30 million at the box office, making it a modest success, if one with a lot of griping.

I caught MALLRATS on a cable network shortly after seeing DOGMA. It’s a terribly unfunny movie with terribly unfunny characters, most having some connection to the CLERKS movie. I had a hard time caring anything for this one, glad I missed it and will never watch it again. I would say that I wasn’t alone, as it was easily Smith’s biggest flop, costing 6 million and making only about 2 and a half million at the theatre. It apparently made quite a bit on the home video market, which is a good place for Smith to stay.

Therein ended my Kevin Smith movie watching. He repeatedly failed to tell a good story, or at least, a story that was consistently good. I saw no real entertainment factor FOR ME in the characters of Jay and Silent Bob, who went on to front the next Smith movie, which I have no intention of ever viewing. It could possibly be that JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK far outstrip SPEED 2 for the crown of worst film, but until I can drink enough happy juice to want to watch what will be akin to waterboarding, I’ll stick to my daily regimen of ripping apart SPEED 2.

I could have moved on to watch some of Smith’s other movies, but he repeatedly would stray away from work he’s been contracted to do in the comic book industry, with fans slavering over his next bland, tasteless issue of whatever spewed forth. I should support a guy who can’t even finish one project before accepting another, then blogging about what a waste of skin he is, to tell his fans he’s just fat and human? Sorry, I’ll pass. Go back to your podcast, making fun of the people that put you on the map in the first place. Jerk.

Regardless, no matter what I think of these four Smith movies, they are all better than SPEED 2. They’re inconsistent, stupid, unfunny and annoying, but overall, they’re better than Jan de Bont’s shitpile by leaps and bounds. They’re also nowhere near the budget constraints of SPEED 2, which by far outweigh what heaps of filth-spewing dung Smith can concoct. Smith also claimed he wasn’t going to make any more movies once, which had me jumping for joy, until I realized the man can’t keep his word. And didn’t. What a tool. He and Jan de Bont should sit at a table sometime, maybe with George Lucas, and discover what new depths of incompetence they could make.

Monday will have a new example on A Leaf on the Wind, likely about Nic Cage. Because I said so.

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