I said I’d do it. There was going to be a day during Speed 2
Month that I explained why the incredibly maladroit third sequel to 1981’s
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK nearly unseated SPEED 2 as Lord of the Midden Heap.
Today is that day, if your gentle brains can handle it. I will not be gentle.
When INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL (heretofore
referenced as INDY 4) arrived in theatres in 2008, I’d pretty much had it with
the silver screen. Every movie is hyped so much; I’d be just uninterested in
seeing them. If marketing was meant to drive me away from seeing a film, they’d
succeeded with alacrity. Not only that, but initial ticket prices are so bloody
high you have to save up for months ahead of time just to make sure you could
afford it. To top that, the movies you really want to see don’t tend to stay in
local moviehouses for all that long anymore. Gone are the days where a flick
would stay around for long periods, and who can tell me where the second-run
houses are now? Nowhere around me, that is a certainty. To whit, I didn’t see INDY
4 in the theatres. And I didn’t care.
I saw RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK with my father at a second-run
house either in late ’81 or early ’82. It was one of the earliest movies I
recall him taking me to that he actually enjoyed. I mean, it was right up his
alley, a real serial-like thriller with airplanes, Nazi criminals and a hero he
could really have fun with. I think the pseudo-archaeological story, mythology and
derring-do stirred up his (and many other viewers) youthful interests, while it
was just plain fun for a kid like me. He talked about it quite a bit
afterwards, which was unusual, and sneak peeks at the television whenever it
aired. He didn’t watch a lot of TV back then, so it was funny to see him get
bright-eyed when the flying wing fistfight sequence would pop on. I believe he
took a friend and I to see INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM, which I don’t
think he enjoyed as much (rightly so), as he didn’t show much interest in
INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE, only watching that when it was on VHS. In
fact, I think he snuck my videotape out of the room I kept it in, to watch it
when I wasn’t home. I didn’t mind, I offered that he could whenever he wanted;
it was just funny that he’d do it like he was sneaking candy. Again, funny. I
know he liked it, but nothing ever came close to the first movie, and I’m not incorrect
in believing he wasn’t alone. Unfortunately for him, a proposed fourth movie
never coalesced before he shuffled off the mortal coil in 1995.
Fans of Indiana Jones likely know the long, horrid tale that
caused the near 20 year delay between the third film and the fourth. For those
that don’t know, go read a book or something, explaining why George Lucas does
anything is for the fanatics that think he’s a god.
So, INDY 4 comes out, I see it after it’s out on disc (or
some variation of the sort, you figure it out) and try not to choke on my CHEEZ-it
during several cringing scenes. I’ll bumper sticker the plot, so we’re all up
to speed: Aging Indiana is summoned by an elderly ex-girlfriend, who has hidden
the fact her son is also Indy’s, to search for him and their mutual friend
Methuselah, who disappeared searching for some fabled crystal skulls. Craziness
ensues as a former Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS follows, to get the power of the
crystal skulls. Indy discovers he’s a dad. Indy marries. Everyone weeps at the
shitty plot, crappy action sequences and the amazing survival ability Indy has
gained after 30 years of kicking Nazi’s around. Hey Kids! You too can survive a
nuclear blast in a fridge! Woo!
Ack. Sorry, an old CHEEZ-it in the throat memory just made
me wretch.
Harrison Ford has got to be given a hand shake for being
willing to do this dead dog. No matter how shitty the movie is to me or to you,
he never really says one way or another. Hollywood has no gentleman actors like
that anymore. Fans should be forced to cosplay lemmings and shown a cliff to
run off of. If it weren’t for their obsessive cries of “when is the next one”,
this turkey would have sat long enough so Ford couldn’t have agreed to do it. George
Lucas should be forced to watch SPEED 2 every day until his eyes burst in
masturbatory explosiveness. Steven Spielberg should be submitted to hourly
public shame for letting Lucas anywhere near this film, considering Lucas’ rape
of his own movies. Why so angry, as I sound like one of the obsessive lemmings,
you ask? Base creativity, I answer. The first movie was a wondrous, throwback
fulfillment fantasy. The second was a terrible pandering to a targeted market.
The third was character development of grand design, amidst an excellent
backstory. The fourth should have been
the perfect closure of a great character, possibly even propelling the
franchise (and I so hate that term when it comes to film) with a bloodline akin
to the classic Phantom. It was not, and good luck to you if you can explain how
it was, in your eyes.
Leaving out the preposterous refrigerator at a nuclear test
site scene, as that’s been done to death and it’s just… inane to discuss
further, I’ll go over a few areas that detested me. One, Mutt Williams, played
by Shia The Beef, is just a stupid carbon copy of Indiana (who stole his name
from the dog – see the funny there? No? Good), right down to the hat. Sean
Patrick Flanery played Indy in the television series THE YOUNG INDIANA JONES
CHRONICLES, showing that you can play a part originated by another actor and
still make it your own. Shia The Beef has little range and just ends up playing
Shia The Beef. Which isn’t bad, if it works. It didn’t. Two, Cate Blanchett
must have been on Pop Rocks and soda while doing her scenes. I guess she was
trying to do broad swath characterization here, but it just gets silly. Three,
the car chase scene in the jungle is so stupid, egregious and unfunny it makes
my teeth ache so much I’d rather watch the refrigerator scene again. Since when
are there parallel, non-pitted dirt roads in the fucking jungle of Brazil? So
jeeps and trucks can travel them at high speeds without any problems? Fuck you,
Lucas and Spielberg! Go take a trip through Hartford and see if you can do
that! Or anywhere in New Jersey! Or – well, anywhere! Since it was likely done
with CGI and Industrial Light and Magic tech, none of your overpaid actors were
going to get hurt falling out of the fucking jeeps, shitheads! The “comedy” in
that scene wasn’t funny, the action was painful to watch (I kept trying not to
scratch my eyes out) and it DIDN’T ADD A THING TO THE PLOT! Dragging out the
story so you could try and rewrite scenes does not help the final output!
Michael Kahn was editor, but I have a feeling he was either working on another
movie during the hours or was just flat out drunk. He’s done a number of
Spielberg pictures before, including RAIDERS, so something was up there.
“But Jon,” I hear you say, “INDY 4 made 786 million bucks at
the box office, worldwide! It was a success!” You’re gods-be-damned right it
was a success. Not counting for inflation, it made more than any of the other
Indiana Jones movies. There’s no accounting for taste, as is well known in
Hollyweird. That said, THAT is the real reason it almost unseated SPEED 2. How
can a 185 million dollar budgeted flick that ends up making money for all
involved SUCK
SO FUCKING BAD? HOW?
The end result is that Harrison Ford and the character of
Indiana Jones are just too good to be in a movie that trumps SPEED 2 as the
King of the Midden Heap. And that’s it.
I don’t know what’s up for tomorrow, I’m revising my plans.
Maybe I’ll pick on Nic Cage a bit. Time for a beverage.
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