Speed 2 Month Day 19: How to Watch a Kevin Smith Film and Still Have Faith That All Movies from Now until the End of Time Will Not Suck

I make no bones about what I like and what I don’t. I know plenty of folks that care little for what I do, and while they may be wrong in that aspect, it’s okay to be wrong. It’s a mostly free country, no matter what the news media tell you. I do not like Kevin Smith movies. I do not like Kevin Smith stories. I do not like Kevin Smith thinking he’s funny – he isn’t. That said, I’d probably like the guy if I knew him personally. Except… it’s unlikely. I wouldn’t go as far to say it isn’t his fault; his movies and stories just don’t do it for me. I can’t say he’s a terrible writer, I just don’t find them as entertaining as many of you fellow filmgoers.

My first Kevin Smith movie was CLERKS. I didn’t hate it, expressly, but it really didn’t resonate with me. The main character was almost likeable, but the shots were blurry, the dialogue inane and beyond uninspired and everyone else was just so bloody stupid it made my teeth hurt. When I returned it to the video store, my reaction was, “Meh”. It’s poop humor and if that’s what gets you laughing, it’s all yours. I can admit to its successes, as it pulled in 3 million off a 27 thousand dollar budget, but it really wasn’t for me. Plus, to hear Smith hailed as the greatest new director in a generation annoyed the piss out of me. One movie does not make you great, son.

I skipped MALLRATS for CHASING AMY, and that was probably because MALLRATS just didn’t interest me in the slightest. CHASING AMY was watchable, mostly. It felt as if it were just pandering, as again, it focused on something that Smith thinks he has knowledge of, in this case, comic books. Jason Lee was the breakout, even if the script kept the character from growing too far, as in all Smith movies, every character has a blind spot that makes them unerringly dumb. The end result of watching CHASING AMY made it the most likeable of the Smith movies I’ve watched. It was also the most successful (to date) raking in 12 million on a 250 thousand dollar budget.

I continued to skip MALLRATS, catching DOGMA when it was released to video. All the controversy surrounding it, as well as the bizarre statements Smith would make in defending the movie, made me a little curious. Unfortunately, Ben Affleck long by then had already turned me away from movies (and continues to do so). By the time I saw the movie, I was more than disinterested, but I was just “in the mood” to see a burning trainwreck of a film. Well, it wasn’t that. Take out the horribly stupid characters of Jay and Silent Bob, who, to me, just seem a way for Smith to appear in his own movies as well as attempt to connect them all with some recurring theme, and the movie might have been decent. There were a number of scenes that seemed lifted from a variety of sources, such as the Sandman comic series, and the final act is one silly, farcical conclusion with no real meaning. DOGMA cost 10 million and topped 30 million at the box office, making it a modest success, if one with a lot of griping.

I caught MALLRATS on a cable network shortly after seeing DOGMA. It’s a terribly unfunny movie with terribly unfunny characters, most having some connection to the CLERKS movie. I had a hard time caring anything for this one, glad I missed it and will never watch it again. I would say that I wasn’t alone, as it was easily Smith’s biggest flop, costing 6 million and making only about 2 and a half million at the theatre. It apparently made quite a bit on the home video market, which is a good place for Smith to stay.

Therein ended my Kevin Smith movie watching. He repeatedly failed to tell a good story, or at least, a story that was consistently good. I saw no real entertainment factor FOR ME in the characters of Jay and Silent Bob, who went on to front the next Smith movie, which I have no intention of ever viewing. It could possibly be that JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK far outstrip SPEED 2 for the crown of worst film, but until I can drink enough happy juice to want to watch what will be akin to waterboarding, I’ll stick to my daily regimen of ripping apart SPEED 2.

I could have moved on to watch some of Smith’s other movies, but he repeatedly would stray away from work he’s been contracted to do in the comic book industry, with fans slavering over his next bland, tasteless issue of whatever spewed forth. I should support a guy who can’t even finish one project before accepting another, then blogging about what a waste of skin he is, to tell his fans he’s just fat and human? Sorry, I’ll pass. Go back to your podcast, making fun of the people that put you on the map in the first place. Jerk.

Regardless, no matter what I think of these four Smith movies, they are all better than SPEED 2. They’re inconsistent, stupid, unfunny and annoying, but overall, they’re better than Jan de Bont’s shitpile by leaps and bounds. They’re also nowhere near the budget constraints of SPEED 2, which by far outweigh what heaps of filth-spewing dung Smith can concoct. Smith also claimed he wasn’t going to make any more movies once, which had me jumping for joy, until I realized the man can’t keep his word. And didn’t. What a tool. He and Jan de Bont should sit at a table sometime, maybe with George Lucas, and discover what new depths of incompetence they could make.

Monday will have a new example on A Leaf on the Wind, likely about Nic Cage. Because I said so.

Speed 2 Month Day 18: It’s an adventure… no, it’s a date

SPEED is not the first movie to mix action, adventure and a bit of romance to draw in both the guys (for the eye candy) and the girls (for the… eye candy?). Although I doubt very much that Steve McQueen and Ali MacGraw received many female fans for THE GETAWAY. In fact, I wouldn’t really consider THE GETAWAY and action/adventure date film, mainly due to the plot. Still, it comes damned close, mostly due to the actors’ chemistry and the movie’s conclusion. Of course, I’d never even put THE GETAWAY on the same shelf as SPEED 2, as it might contaminate the former, and might confuse people into thinking they were on the same level. Now, that would be a travesty.

For some reason, the action/adventure date film seemed to dominate screens in the 1990’s, including one movie that I’ve already spoken about: CHAIN REACTION. While it is true I’d actually consider CHAIN REACTION to be a science fiction tale (yeah, I’m aware the science is terrible), the continuing saga of the two main characters on the run and eventually becoming attracted to each other, well, it’s a Keanu Reeves’ regular setting! He’s got THE MATRIX, SPEED, the aforementioned CHAIN REACTION, and even CONSTANTINE and POINT BREAK, to a degree. What, you don’t see the bromance in POINT BREAK? It’s so damned obvious…

To segue further, look at Keanu’s frequent partner in films, Rachel Weisz. She did the ultimate in action/adventure date movies with her role in the first of Stephen Sommers’ Mummy flicks. She reprised it with an interesting spin for the second, but at that point it was less a building romance than story building.

Further down the line, you can probably make the same stamp on DIE HARD, which came out in ’88. While the action doesn’t much include Bonnie Bedelia, some of the ideas are still there, with the guy getting the girl in the end. Too bad it doesn’t work out well for Mr. McClane over the next plethora of Die Hard films. Of course, CON AIR would fit in this particular offshoot of the action/adventure date flick, as it’s got essentially the same premise. Con Air: Die Hard at 30,000 Feet. I’d like to find something else that Nic Cage did that fits more along the specific lines here, but it just isn’t going to work, unless you count HONEYMOON IN VEGAS. Which is still a better film than SPEED 2. Hell, the Flying Elvis’s (Utah Chapter) so soundly trump SPEED 2; you don’t even need to start watching the ‘Annie tries to drive’ scene. No really, you don’t – and it’s likely the best scene in the whole film. Yup.

I’m pretty sure I’ve tapped out this topic, here. If you feel you can find another action/adventure date movie (not ROMANCING THE STONE, please) let me know and I’ll disseminate it against SPEED 2 just for giggles.

In fact, if anyone has any ideas at all, anything you’d like me to cover at this point, there are a few days left in the month before I lay this to rest until next year. Go ahead, I’m game.

Speed 2 Month Day 17: Bite Your Tongue

The inspiration for Speed 2 Month goes back some years, to a long-forgotten day at a long-forgotten comic book store, in a town where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day was not recognized until forced to by law in April of 2000. I was likely standing around, kvetching like the rest of the customers, as if we were in some poor interpretation of a Kevin Smith product. (And therein lays another day of upcoming chatter.) One of my fellow comic-buying buds rolled in, joined in the conversation and then the Great and Wonderful Thing happened: I mentioned how lowbrow SPEED 2 is as a film, and he mentioned how he “liked it”. I probably go apoplectic once every few years, without much incident. I don’t think I’ll ever feel my eyes bulge as much as I did then, even when watching something incredibly impossible in porn.

My friend, yes, I can still call him that, even after continuing, every year, to make sure he never, ever, ever, ever ever ever ever ever, forgets that he “liked” SPEED 2, is named John Amenta. He’s agreed to allow me to publicly shame him here, probably because he’s got some damned thick skin. You have to be when you grow up reading comics. I know. He’s likely also getting a few good laughs at the movies I like and he doesn’t, but that’s neither here nor there – we all have assholes, we all have opinions. Some are stronger than others… assholes and opinions. I’ve never disagreed more vehemently with him on a movie, or likely anything else. Polarizing views in comic books are well defined at the stores, as well as the fans. The same can be said for movies, which are typically held in much higher regard than that of comics, which are still fighting for the recognition as a truly unique art form. Still, no matter what you think of comics or film, SPEED 2  is the largest waste of talent (both good and bad), money, materials and time ever put to celluloid, tape, digital disc or the cheapest print possible. It is my belief that to move beyond these massive budget clunkers, you have to be made aware of them, never forget them, never ever forget them, so they can be bettered.

I make it no secret that I prefer character driven tales, whether or not they’re action, sci-fi, fantasy or biographical. I like original stories more than adaptations, though some adaptations do tend to really play off well on the big screen. I don’t have a problem with movies that create a busketload of continuing sequels or spinoffs, the “franchise” label that Hollywood has given these films, but most are pretty dull and derivative. I make it no secret that I’m a massive fan of good directors, such as Sam Peckinpah, Akira Kurosawa or Wes Anderson. I sometimes feel that Hollywood is like the government. Stop taking my money, telling me it’s for the best, and giving me a right drubbing while laughing because you can! It’s due to that repetitive action I do things such as this.

I also do it because it’s funny. It is still funny, isn’t it, John?

So there you go, that’s basically the reasons I keep up this silliness. It’s edutainment at its filthy best. Tomorrow, more on genre, I think. Something like that. Like today, it has less swearing in it. I’m calming down until the next pile of dung to talk about.

“I like SPEED 2.” Pffft. Dork.

Speed 2 Month Day 16: Refrigerator Warfare

I said I’d do it. There was going to be a day during Speed 2 Month that I explained why the incredibly maladroit third sequel to 1981’s RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK nearly unseated SPEED 2 as Lord of the Midden Heap. Today is that day, if your gentle brains can handle it. I will not be gentle.

When INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL (heretofore referenced as INDY 4) arrived in theatres in 2008, I’d pretty much had it with the silver screen. Every movie is hyped so much; I’d be just uninterested in seeing them. If marketing was meant to drive me away from seeing a film, they’d succeeded with alacrity. Not only that, but initial ticket prices are so bloody high you have to save up for months ahead of time just to make sure you could afford it. To top that, the movies you really want to see don’t tend to stay in local moviehouses for all that long anymore. Gone are the days where a flick would stay around for long periods, and who can tell me where the second-run houses are now? Nowhere around me, that is a certainty. To whit, I didn’t see INDY 4 in the theatres. And I didn’t care.

I saw RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK with my father at a second-run house either in late ’81 or early ’82. It was one of the earliest movies I recall him taking me to that he actually enjoyed. I mean, it was right up his alley, a real serial-like thriller with airplanes, Nazi criminals and a hero he could really have fun with. I think the pseudo-archaeological story, mythology and derring-do stirred up his (and many other viewers) youthful interests, while it was just plain fun for a kid like me. He talked about it quite a bit afterwards, which was unusual, and sneak peeks at the television whenever it aired. He didn’t watch a lot of TV back then, so it was funny to see him get bright-eyed when the flying wing fistfight sequence would pop on. I believe he took a friend and I to see INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM, which I don’t think he enjoyed as much (rightly so), as he didn’t show much interest in INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE, only watching that when it was on VHS. In fact, I think he snuck my videotape out of the room I kept it in, to watch it when I wasn’t home. I didn’t mind, I offered that he could whenever he wanted; it was just funny that he’d do it like he was sneaking candy. Again, funny. I know he liked it, but nothing ever came close to the first movie, and I’m not incorrect in believing he wasn’t alone. Unfortunately for him, a proposed fourth movie never coalesced before he shuffled off the mortal coil in 1995.

Fans of Indiana Jones likely know the long, horrid tale that caused the near 20 year delay between the third film and the fourth. For those that don’t know, go read a book or something, explaining why George Lucas does anything is for the fanatics that think he’s a god.

So, INDY 4 comes out, I see it after it’s out on disc (or some variation of the sort, you figure it out) and try not to choke on my CHEEZ-it during several cringing scenes. I’ll bumper sticker the plot, so we’re all up to speed: Aging Indiana is summoned by an elderly ex-girlfriend, who has hidden the fact her son is also Indy’s, to search for him and their mutual friend Methuselah, who disappeared searching for some fabled crystal skulls. Craziness ensues as a former Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS follows, to get the power of the crystal skulls. Indy discovers he’s a dad. Indy marries. Everyone weeps at the shitty plot, crappy action sequences and the amazing survival ability Indy has gained after 30 years of kicking Nazi’s around. Hey Kids! You too can survive a nuclear blast in a fridge! Woo!

Ack. Sorry, an old CHEEZ-it in the throat memory just made me wretch.

Harrison Ford has got to be given a hand shake for being willing to do this dead dog. No matter how shitty the movie is to me or to you, he never really says one way or another. Hollywood has no gentleman actors like that anymore. Fans should be forced to cosplay lemmings and shown a cliff to run off of. If it weren’t for their obsessive cries of “when is the next one”, this turkey would have sat long enough so Ford couldn’t have agreed to do it. George Lucas should be forced to watch SPEED 2 every day until his eyes burst in masturbatory explosiveness. Steven Spielberg should be submitted to hourly public shame for letting Lucas anywhere near this film, considering Lucas’ rape of his own movies. Why so angry, as I sound like one of the obsessive lemmings, you ask? Base creativity, I answer. The first movie was a wondrous, throwback fulfillment fantasy. The second was a terrible pandering to a targeted market. The third was character development of grand design, amidst an excellent backstory. The fourth should have been the perfect closure of a great character, possibly even propelling the franchise (and I so hate that term when it comes to film) with a bloodline akin to the classic Phantom. It was not, and good luck to you if you can explain how it was, in your eyes.

Leaving out the preposterous refrigerator at a nuclear test site scene, as that’s been done to death and it’s just… inane to discuss further, I’ll go over a few areas that detested me. One, Mutt Williams, played by Shia The Beef, is just a stupid carbon copy of Indiana (who stole his name from the dog – see the funny there? No? Good), right down to the hat. Sean Patrick Flanery played Indy in the television series THE YOUNG INDIANA JONES CHRONICLES, showing that you can play a part originated by another actor and still make it your own. Shia The Beef has little range and just ends up playing Shia The Beef. Which isn’t bad, if it works. It didn’t. Two, Cate Blanchett must have been on Pop Rocks and soda while doing her scenes. I guess she was trying to do broad swath characterization here, but it just gets silly. Three, the car chase scene in the jungle is so stupid, egregious and unfunny it makes my teeth ache so much I’d rather watch the refrigerator scene again. Since when are there parallel, non-pitted dirt roads in the fucking jungle of Brazil? So jeeps and trucks can travel them at high speeds without any problems? Fuck you, Lucas and Spielberg! Go take a trip through Hartford and see if you can do that! Or anywhere in New Jersey! Or – well, anywhere! Since it was likely done with CGI and Industrial Light and Magic tech, none of your overpaid actors were going to get hurt falling out of the fucking jeeps, shitheads! The “comedy” in that scene wasn’t funny, the action was painful to watch (I kept trying not to scratch my eyes out) and it DIDN’T ADD A THING TO THE PLOT! Dragging out the story so you could try and rewrite scenes does not help the final output! Michael Kahn was editor, but I have a feeling he was either working on another movie during the hours or was just flat out drunk. He’s done a number of Spielberg pictures before, including RAIDERS, so something was up there.

“But Jon,” I hear you say, “INDY 4 made 786 million bucks at the box office, worldwide! It was a success!” You’re gods-be-damned right it was a success. Not counting for inflation, it made more than any of the other Indiana Jones movies. There’s no accounting for taste, as is well known in Hollyweird. That said, THAT is the real reason it almost unseated SPEED 2. How can a 185 million dollar budgeted flick that ends up making money for all involved SUCK SO FUCKING BAD? HOW?

The end result is that Harrison Ford and the character of Indiana Jones are just too good to be in a movie that trumps SPEED 2 as the King of the Midden Heap. And that’s it.

I don’t know what’s up for tomorrow, I’m revising my plans. Maybe I’ll pick on Nic Cage a bit. Time for a beverage.

Speed 2 Month Day 15: Jaeckel, not Hyde

Fifteen days into Speed 2 Month and only one negative comment means I must be doing well. On the other hand, maybe most people just agree that SPEED 2 is just the eyesore on American filmmaking that I’m trying to portray. Maybe.

As has been noted, SPEED 2 was released on June 13^th, 1997. On June 14^th of that year, Hollywood had another reason to weep, as Richard Jaeckel lost his battle with cancer. Jaeckel had a lengthy acting career on the large and small screen, mostly in supporting roles. Many of them were villainous or tough guy parts, where his bright blue eyes added an eerie dimension to the characters. Surprisingly, he also appeared as heroic figures, usually in war films. While not typecast in specific roles, he rarely received top billing, even though he worked steadily.

Western aficionados would remember him from the original 3:10 TO YUMA, Director Sam Peckinpah’s PAT GARRETT AND BILLY THE KID or even the John Wayne history bender, CHISUM. War movie buffs would recall THE SANDS OF IWO JIMA, ATTACK! or, most likely, THE DIRTY DOZEN. All of these are good, if not great, films (although some may find CHISUM too stark Republican or even outright incorrect – history can be a right bitch at times), and all tower above the rusty trombone that is SPEED 2. In fact, if you look at some of the turkeys Jaeckel appeared in, I’m sure you’d find all of those are hands above the performances given in Jan de Bont’s whorefest film. Who’s seen THE GREEN SLIME? AIRPLANE II: THE SEQUEL? How about MAKO: THE JAWS OF DEATH? All of these were better than SPEED 2 just because Richard Jaeckel appeared in them.

Jaeckel’s final role was on the TnA wank show BAYWATCH. I… well… a man’s got to eat.

Besides acting alongside great film macho men such as John Wayne, James Coburn, Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin, Jaeckel was one of those anomalous Hollywood journeymen who stayed married to his wife for 50 years. One of his sons became a pro golfer, winning the PGA Tour in 1978, obviously uninterested in Hollyweird. Melanoma took the veteran actor after three years, and there’s a quote from the Internet Movie Database (www.imdb.com) that I’ll share, which sums up this guy pretty well. “I know people are pulling for me to beat this thing, but let them have a glass at the bar for me and let it go at that.”