SPEED 2 Month 2015 Day 19: The Heat of Mediocrity

On Day 4 of SPEED 2 Month, A Leaf on the Wind focused on the popular Sandra Bullock, star of both SPEED and the puerile sequel. Within it, her amazing amount of successful films was shown to far outweigh her dogs, regardless of creative opinion. One of her more recent ventures was the 2013 release, THE HEAT, with popular comedic actress Melissa McCarthy.

THE HEAT theatre poster, with an image that never occurs in the movie

THE HEAT is a plebian “buddy cop” picture with little to no entertainment factor outside of McCarthy being a foul-mouthed Boston police detective. Bullock is an anal, over competitive, overbearing FBI agent trying to get a promotion and ends up having to work alongside McCarthy to locate a mysterious drug lord. In the middle of that, there’s a lot of stupid jokes, near-cameo appearances from known actors, lots of movie cliché’s and a plot that will put you to sleep. If you’re having a bout of insomnia, this movie is for you, believe it.

The film does have some amusing bits, most of which come from McCarthy. The “slowest chase scene in movie history” is particularly funny, as is her incredibly foul comments throughout the movie, regardless of who they’re pointed at. Michael McDonald is cast against type as a vicious criminal and does not disappoint while Jane Curtain and Michael Rapaport are terribly underused as McCarthy’s mother and brother, respectively. Tom Wilson is great as McCarthy’s overworked captain, but does not get nearly enough screen time as he deserves. This flick is totally about Bullock and McCarthy being the Odd Couple of the chick-police, no matter how boring their personality conflict might be. It’s a shame that other actors suffer from being a part of the story that really goes nowhere. I also don’t understand this perpetual need to have high impact violence as part of a comedy movie, regardless of setting. BEVERLY HILLS COP worked because a lot of the violence was off-screen or not in your face. In THE HEAT, there are at least two head shots with red mist spray in a graphic show of “shocking” violence. A Leaf on the Wind hopes that someday, this sort of wanton need to shock will no longer be a part of certain types of films, as is the way of Hollyweird.

Michael McDonald, not as he appears in THE HEAT

THE HEAT was made for 43 million dollars and was a big hit, pulling in 160 million in the States and 229 million overall. Usually this would beg for a sequel, unless you’re a smart producer and just take the profit and apply it to something different with what worked in the movie: McCarthy. As is well known at this point, she’s gone on to make quite a few comedic flicks, some hotter than others. At present, McCarthy has a movie in theatres by the same director of THE HEAT, Paul Feig. It’s currently at #2 behind JURASSIC WORLD, the biggest blockbuster in years. Regardless of how good THE HEAT might not have been, it was popular enough to make a good income and give McCarthy and Feig another shot. Will you?

Next up, horrid work situations.

SPEED 2 Month 2015 Day 17: It’s Just a Habit

Sequels make up a large part of SPEED 2 Month, particularly in the case of those that didn’t do nearly as well as the predecessor. While mining some films for SPEED 2 Month, I came across one I don’t think I’d ever seen before: SISTER ACT 2: BACK IN THE HABIT.

When the Whoopi Goldberg fueled SISTER ACT was released in 1992, it hit the theatres with a storm. With a modest budget of 31 million dollars, it pulled in Over 230 million worldwide, a pretty serious smash hit for a comedy, even in 2015. Of course, that meant a sequel had to be made, because, well, money. Hollyweird doesn’t wait long for more money to be made, so part 2 was fast tracked. Fast tracked may be a bit of an underwhelming term, considering the sequel hit the screens the following year, just before Christmas. SISTER ACT 2 is as much a lesser film as many other sequels, with only a small budget increase. It didn’t do nearly as well as the first, yet it still made money. Luckily Touchstone Pictures realized that the cash flow was unlikely to continue and didn’t go ahead with a SISTER ACT 3.

SISTER ACT 2 retained almost the entire cast from the first film while adding known character actors Barnard Hughes, Michael Jeter and Brad Sullivan as Franciscan friars, and James Coburn as an administrator. This time, Whoopi gets to come back not in hiding, but role-playing to help the nuns in their new school, which has a number of “trouble” students. Whoopi gets to have fun playing a not-nun with some added kooky personalities in the friars. Coburn is a complete waste here, standing around looking menacing in a not-very menacing style. I’m guessing he either needed a new car or wanted to keep his SAG card active for insurance coverage to willingly take this role. The ladies returning from the first film are almost entirely wasted. Where they got the lion’s share of funny lines and were part of the charm of SISTER ACT, they’re lost in the story of the school and the reason Whoopi is brought back to them.

SISTER ACT 2 is not a horribly bad movie, but it isn’t a good one. Worse, SISTER ACT was never a terribly great movie, either. It’s amusing, it’s got heart and it certainly struck a chord with moviegoers. That said, part 2 is preposterous in so many ways it makes the first film seem like a documentary. I mean, Whoopi’s character was in hiding at the time of the first film. The reasons she’s wearing the habit this time is just… stupid. It’s an unnecessary plot device that feels like an anchor by the time the movie gets to the conclusion. Now, the cast itself was big in the first movie, and ads not only the four principal male characters, but students as well. I won’t list all the teen actors with speaking roles, but two of them are notable for who they are now. Lauryn Hill, former member of the Fugees and incredibly good singer in her own right, and Jennifer Love Hewitt of Maxim fame are the two. There’s a whole trite plot of Hill’s character that bogs down 30 or so minutes of the movie, with only a bare bones conclusion that the viewer has to just shrug off because it doesn’t make much sense in the first place. Mommy-daughter drama that is as clunky as the 1996 Ford I bought some months ago just doesn’t do much for a comedy movie.

The more I look at SISTER ACT 2: BACK IN THE HABIT, the more I see similarities between it and the television series GLEE that people either love or hate. Whoopi’s character essentially puts together a glee club at a Catholic school filled with annoying teens, including the rapping Italian kid. The rapping Italian kid with a Brooklyn accent in San Francisco. If for nothing else, watch the scenes with him so you can groan out and facepalm yourself properly.

I’m trying to recall exactly why this movie is better than SPEED 2. It’s a groaner for sure, but it’s just not as bad as Jan de Bont’s mastermess. Yes, that’s the new comparison: “Just Not That Bad.”

Tomorrow, I return to Sandra Bullock and one of her own clunkers.

Rapping Italian teen. Ugh.

SPEED 2 Month 2015 Day 14: Smithed

To get the personal opinion of A Leaf on the Wind out there up front, Kevin Smith is universally disliked in almost all ways possible. To spend even one added day on watching one of his vile, boring, senselessly stupid films on SPEED 2 Month is akin to salt on an open wound. Regardless, watching TUSK was not as terrible as expected. To give readers the proper feel for anything Kevin Smith oriented, this portion of the blog was delayed, as are most of his projects.

TUSK began, of all oddball origins, as a discussion on Smith’s podcast. If you’re brave enough to finish the movie into the credit roll, you can hear a portion of the podcast incorporating some of the story elements that ended up on screen. Considering these, uh, humble beginnings, you almost have to give Smith some kind of credit for getting this clunker distributed to theaters at all. TUSK feels, almost immediately, as though it was written by a bunch of high school stoners on a lengthy binge. You can actually spot the scenes that Smith and his cronies thought were really funny while waving away the smoke from their giggling faces, as most of them fall as flat as a stoner joke would. The meat of the story is sublimely dumb, on a level that puts MEET THE FEEBLES to shame. In fact, if SPEED 2 weren’t a derivative of an earlier story, it might even put it to shame, it’s so dumb!

TUSK stars Justin Long (yeah, that guy) as an incredibly dislikable podcasting schmuck with a horrible porn-stache. His whole shtick is humiliating people on his Howard Stern styled show, which he hosts with his less annoying friend and partner, played by Haley Joel Osment. Poor Haley Joel isn’t as cute as he was in A.I: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE since he got old and out of shape, but his character is only moderately less dislikable than Long’s. The story takes Long up to Manitoba, Canada, to interview some kid who accidentally cut his own leg off while playing with a katana and had a video of it uploaded to the internet. By the time Long gets up there, pissing off Canadians wherever he goes, the kid has killed himself, leaving Long with no reason to be in the Great White North. He stumbles across an ad posted at a townie bar and responds to it to get something out of his trip. He meets with an odd, elderly character played, with some conviction mind you, by Michael Parks. Parks tells Long some incredibly wild and interesting tales, in which Long continues to act like a total fuckwit. I doubt Kevin Smith was hoping anyone would feel sympathy for what Long’s character would be going through, but to make him so horrid does not help the film by the conclusion.

Parks’ character eventually drugs Long’s and begins to remove bits of him as he tells him that he intends to turn him into a walrus, an animal he believes to be the most noble of creatures. Also, he’s certifiable and a sadist, just to add some spice. Of course, back at home, Long’s character’s girlfriend and Osment begin to get worried when Long leaves a cryptic message for them on their cellphones. They take off for Canada, in search of him when he doesn’t respond to repeated messages. They’re also involved in an affair, as Long is a total douche to his girlfriend, played by the interesting Genesis Rodriguez, who I’ve seen in a number of films recently – in fact, all related to SPEED 2 Month. Is it a bad thing I haven’t brought her up until now? No. Rodriguez is quite attractive and can pull off a number of vocal distinctions that should keep her employed for an admirable career. She has a rather heartfelt scene that feels so out of place in this movie that you can only be impressed with her devotion to her craft, if not the role.

More than just a purty face

Rodriguez and Osment eventually connect with “Guy LaPointe”, a disguised Johnny Depp playing a character that’s been hunting Parks for some years. The three eventually track down where Parks is, discover what he’s done to Long and are able to… rescue Long. Long though, has likely been driven insane by his transformation into the most ridiculous man-made walrus costume ever, complete with porn-stache. Long in his “Mr. Tusk” form is left at a zoo so Osment and Rodriguez can visit. End of fucked up, stoner story.

There are a number of things about TUSK that are to be admired. One is that the movie actually got funding, proving that nothing in America is impossible, especially if it’s a fucking stupid idea. Kevin Smith, If your hero is not Ron Popeil, you’re a bigger, fatter dumbass than I believe you to be. The acting from Rodriguez and Parks is to be commended above and beyond, considering the material they were working with. Nearly every scene with Parks is a transcendent experience, in which I have to agree with Smith: one could listen to him read the phone book and be entranced. There are a few mildly amusing parts, mostly from a scene between Depp and Parks that ends with a sinister tone that belies the entire film. Tonal shifts are a big part of TUSK, which are either to be loved or hated, depending on your experience. I’ll give Smith some credit for the attempt, but nothing more.

TUSK is a dumb movie. Really dumb. The viewer needs to turn off their brain, or just watch it stoned, as Smith intended. Since I won’t do either, I’ll just inform those that haven’t seen it how stupid the film is. It’s Adam Sandler at his worst stupid. If the movie has any redeeming quality beyond some of the performances, it might be that you could get yourself a contact high off it, it’s that befouled with cannabis. And yet, it cannot topple SPEED 2 from the lofty perch at the top of the shitheap. Kevin Smith, you’ve outdone yourself. Even you are not quite as bad as Jan de Bont. Regardless, your movies still suck.

Tomorrow, another sequel to compare.

While TUSK has podcasting as a base for story and is part of the plot, A Leaf on the Wind would like to direct you to From the Hip, the best podcast of inanity since Chevy Chase fell off a chair. Go listen now!