Speed 2 Month Day 31: Concluding Thoughts

Technically, Speed 2 Month should be done during June, if I were to go with release dates. I chose to ignore that detail and utilize the lengthier month of July to posit my belligerent missives to you loyal, gradually learning readers. I don’t think it’s necessary to blight the lovely month of June every year with a rememberance of the hideousness of SPEED 2, so who knows if I’ll return to June in 2015 or not. Either way, this is the final installment of Speed 2 Month for 2014, seventeen years after the eponymous movie was crapped across America. What have we learned since the month began?

1)      Jason Patric looks like Zoolander when he “acts”.

2)      Jan de Bont is a moron.

3)      20^th Century Fox took a bath on this heap of offal.

4)      Many, many, many things are better than SPEED 2.

5)      John Amenta may have forgiven me for this continuously aggressive attack on a stupid movie he may have enjoyed, but likely hasn’t for calling Bill Parcells’ tenure on the Dallas Cowboys “akin to a SPEED 2 career move”.

6)      I dislike Kevin Smith quite a bit.

7)      HIGHLANDER 2 should be acknowledged, but for reasons other than any merit.

8)      If you put George Lucas and Kevin Smith in a room together, would there be enough oxygen left to let Nic Cage breathe?

9)      A Leaf on the Wind cannot do math – the average of the reported budget differences on SPEED 2 is quite a bit higher than 85 million – and none of you caught it.

10)   Other than the initial Day 1 commentary to spark off the month, Day 26 (Prequels Fucking Suck Dirty Balls) got the most hits, which either shows you’re all a bunch of Star Wars haters, you like swears or you just liked the title. Even so, the most “liked” column compared to views was Day 8, “Soleil Rouge”. Star power of Charles Bronson, I’m thinking.

I would hope that if nothing else, you’ve gotten yourself a good, hearty laugh at Mr. Amenta and my own moronic blather of what makes a good movie. It’s all subjective, unless you’re some sort of fascist and need to tell me things like why the Lord of the Rings films are better than the books. Or why I ‘NEED TO WATCH GAME OF THRONES’. I don’t, so shut the fuck up. Go back to your idiot box. Also, go look at your movie collection. If you’re that guy that owns a copy of SPEED 2 and not SPEED… I just pity you. I’m looking at you, John Amenta.

To finish off the month, I’m reposting the original Speed 2 blog post I did o so long ago. Enjoy it and be back in 2015 for more SPEED 2!

15 Short Film Reviews or Why Speed 2 Sucks Like a Dyson Vacuum

(Originally posted 10/22/2008)

 


Film 1:  Fiend Without a Face
Starring Canada's greatest actor, Marshall Thompson, this phenomenal black and white horror/sci-fi stunner has some of the most disgusting and grotesque sound effects from any movie.  That says much, considering the budget.  Speed 2 had a budget that dwarfed FWaF as the sun dwarfs the Earth, so that alone says we have a better film here.
Film 2:  Silent Running
A seventies orphan, this overly hippie-like science fiction stars Bruce Dern in almost a solo role.  As he is an actor of repute (The 'Burbs notwithstanding), that alone would make it a worthy opponent of Speed 2.  Fortunately, the story is well thought out and makes you care for robots that don't speak or make much sound.  Eat your heart out, Star Wars nerds.
Film 3:  The Gamers
A newer indie movie, this one slays the role playing game nerd, his views and living at home with mama.  Not a great movie at all, but still has humorous moments and some real actors interspersed through the rookies.  It also moves at a faster pace than the entirety of Speed 2, making it a fairly superior movie just for that.
Film 4:  Heavy Metal
Ah, Heavy Metal.  The first time I ever saw animated boobs.  Kudos to that, you get high marks and a rating that puts Speed 2 and its poor domestic take to greater shame.
Film 5:  Flying Guillotine
This Chinese masterpiece probably has thirteen other titles, but this is how I saw it for the first time.  I'm no cinemaphile to the degree I know everything that the Hong Kong movie studios ever did, but wow... a headless corpse can do better at acting than Jason Patric in Speed 2.  Watch both, you'll agree.
Film 6:  Jabberwocky
One of the many films done by members of the Monty Python crew that technically isn't Monty Python.  It is also not a great movie.  It is, however, better than Speed 2 just in the idiocy of Michael Palin's lead character, rather than the idiocy of a poor script, poor planning, poor acting, poor science...
Film 7:  Death Race 2000
Probably the first real "cult hit" movie on the list, as well as a Roger Corman classic.  Corman doesn't always hit it well, but when he does, he hits like a cruise ship into a dockside of people, buildings and businesses.  Just a lot faster and more destructive than the one in Speed 2.
Film 8:  The Phantom
By this one I do mean the Billy Zane film adapting the comic strip character.  There have been other interpretations of the Phantom but this one, while not remarkable in a host of ways, is the best.  Not only that, but when Treat Williams is better in a movie than Willem Dafoe, that should ring alarms.  Hm.  Maybe Speed 2 needed Billy Zane?
Film 9:  UHF
Weird Al Yankovic trumps even the first Speed movie.  Unless of course, they make a Speed 3.
Film 10:  Eraserhead
Oh, come on.  It's David Lynch!
Film 11:  Night of the Lepus
"Giant" bunnies attacking a town and kicking aside the (toy) railroad tracks make for better movies than Sandra Bullock trying to stop a cruise ship from... what was she doing in Speed 2?  Anyone?
Film 12:  Red Sun
I absolutely love this movie, which alone would make it on a different list from this one, but it's not on DVD and Speed 2 is, so there's your trump.  Red Sun, a weird western tale with Toshiro Mifune and Chuck Bronson that's NOT ON DVD is better than Speed 2.
Film 13:  Burnt Offerings
Honestly, I don't remember much about this one except as a kid, I was too scared not to watch.  Certain scenes stick with me, as they scared me and a best friend at the time to the point of giggles.  I think the only thing in Speed 2 that made me giggle is when I turned the volume on and listened to the dialogue.
Film 14:  Godzilla versus Mothra
Godzilla is better than Jason Patric's pout, hence this entry on the list.  Godzilla made more money, too.
Film 15:  The Corsican Brothers
Cheech and Chong at their absolute worst!  An unfunny, unrelenting bore of a movie with bad, bad, BAD jokes.  And yet, it laughs at Speed 2 because it's a better film.  The costume designer alone would beat Speed 2 and the speedos seen in it.  Ugh!
And there you have it, fifteen movies better than Speed 2.  I highly recommend all of the above as good popcorn digesters, rather than wasting time and money on the viciously awful on the eyes and ears Speed 2.  Didn't think I could do it?  I may do it again with another 15.  Hope you liked it... I know a guy named John that did.

Speed 2 Month Day 30: 30 Things I Like More than Speed 2

 

1)      Beer

2)      The Simpsons

3)      Excellently plotted mysteries

4)      Dirty Penny Ale (from Olde Burnside Brewing, East Hartford, CT http://oldeburnsidebrewing.com/)

5)      Monty Python’s Flying Circus

6)      Old Charlton Comics

7)      New Charlton Comics (http://morttodd.com/arrow2.html)

8)      Whiskey

9)      Well-written history books

10)   Gary Gygax

11)   Board games

12)   Miami Dolphins Football (Suck it, Amenta)

13)   Darts

14)   Science Fiction

15)   Sex, sex, sex (Say it three times and you get some… really, try it… especially you, Cliff)

16)   Clint Eastwood

17)   Sam Peckinpaugh movies

18)   Comic books

19)   WKRP in Cincinnati

20)   Flogging Molly (http://www.floggingmolly.com/)

21)   Advanced Dungeons and Dragons

22)   Spotted Cow farmhouse ale (http://www.newglarusbrewing.com/)

23)   Autumn in New England

24)   The FoJ

25)   My cat, Ginger… who’s really a bitch most of the time and destroys things like my comics, games, furniture and bedding… take that, Jan de Bont

26)   Vechitto’s Lemon Ice (a CT standby)

27)   Frank Pepe’s Pizzeria, the best pizza in New Haven and all of CT

28)   Old Peculier Ale (https://www.theakstons.co.uk/Ales/Old-Peculier/)

29)   Those people I call my friends

30)   This great YouTube video: Jeppson's

Speed 2 Month Day 29: Time Warp

I’m a day behind. So you’re getting two today. First up, Nic Cage Day – one day late. I think that’s fitting, yeah? Good, now read the bloody thing.

Nicolas Cage has been lucky enough to have a top of the line Hollywood pedigree to be able to get acting gigs without much actual attempt at work, as nephew of a Coppola. Still, he changed his name to pave his own way for a career, and regardless of how much you like the guy’s ability to act, personality or movies, he’s been fairly successful. Would you know who I was talking about if I said… Tom Everett Scott? Right. Moving on.

I could give a list of his string of hits, most of which you’ve heard of, some of which you’ve seen and probably liked. In fact, I don’t know anyone that didn’t like RAISING ARIZONA, even the Nic Cage haters out there seemed to like it. But, I’m not here to discuss the great, good or decent films of Cage’s career, nor am I going over CON AIR a second time. I’m going to see how the stinkers compare to our lovely SPEED 2, as we wind down the month.

Did anyone see TIME TO KILL? No? Okay, we’ll move on. How about AMOS & ANDREW, the wonderfully misfired comedy of class and race in an upscale New England town? Came out in ’93? With Sam Jackson? Hello? Well. I guess no one did. Sad. It was pretty funny, if you were in a completely “politically correct” frame of mind and thought this plot could make you laugh. It was filmed for 17 million and raked in under 10. O, you did see it? I bet you didn’t see it in the theatre like me! I bet you didn’t laugh like me, either. As in, “I bet you didn’t laugh, either.”

GUARDING TESS came out a year later and had Nic as a Secret Service Agent handling a former First Lady. Another light comedy in Nic’s pocket got him to work with Shirley MacClaine, but was another loser at the box office, clearing 27 million after a 20 million budget. Clearly Nic wasn’t finding his niche in a comedy vein. Even though the earlier HONEYMOON IN VEGAS was a moderate hit, it wasn’t a big moneymaker, either. Would TRAPPED IN PARADISE, also released in ’94 prove to be the hit he needed? Is Dick Nixon the most truthful President in United States history?

TRAPPED IN PARADISE is a charmer, with a great cast of character actors, though it’s obvious from the get-go that Jon Lovitz wanted to be anywhere but in that movie. He is so horribly miscast in his role and the film it’s like an anchor on the story. In fact, he’s so bad, he makes Cage start to take shape into the mold he made so popular in CON AIR, that of the ‘everyman’ that the other characters and the plot revolves around. In other words, a role ANYONE, even one of my favorites, Clint Howard, could fill.

Nic got lucky for a few years, getting four hits of varying degree into the theatres, with CON AIR and FACE/OFF hitting in the same month and the same year, as previously stated. And then came FAMILY MAN in 2000, a “modern day Frank Capra” tale of what if. Essentially, take the plot of IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE and set it at the turn of the century, and plant poop jokes and Tea Leoni in it for eye candy and a bland role for her to play, give it a 60 million dollar budget and hope for the best. It totaled 75 million at the box office, so guess how it was perceived? That didn’t stop Nic though! Five years later, THE WEATHER MAN was released, with Nic playing yet another man unhappy with his life, job and living conditions. THE WEATHER MAN was hyped as a comedy, had the great Michael Caine in it, and ended up not only not a comedy, but just not good. In fact, it’s a bloody depressing, gawdsawful flick that I wouldn’t recommend unless the only other thing on was a bad dub of a Chinese action movie or SPEED 2. I’d likely tell you to watch the action movie first, though.

Nic is a big comic book fan. He wanted so desperately to play Superman when Tim Burton was hired to head up a movie about that particular character, he begged, pleaded and somehow got the role. I’m thinking some really kinky hookey-dookey went on for him to secure it, and I’m really hoping those pictures never get out. Besides, the movie never got made, Nic got paid anyway, and pretty much everyone but Warner Brothers was happy when they had to keep paying out to cover the costs of a movie that never got made with the profits of one that did get made. But hey, that’s the pictures, right?

So Nic’s a comic fan, didn’t get to play Superman, but did get to play Ghost Rider, in not one, but TWO movies. I can only discuss the first fiasco of a film, as I just couldn’t get up the energy needed to watch him continue to waste my time with a character that honestly is far too Seventies to work. In fact, I won’t even discuss it. GHOST RIDER started great, even working in the “Evel Knievel” aspect of the character, with a plot that was about a younger version of the alter ego of Ghost Rider. And then, the whole plot went shitty and Nic Cage came in to play the part. You’ll feel the fall, like rolling down the mountain of excrement in a Porta Pottie. If you’re braver than me, you can watch the second Ghost Rider movie and tell me to watch a bootleg when I’m recovering from Ebola or SARS or something.

Nic had a couple of other stinkers in between the two Ghost Rider movies, most of which I haven’t seen to say they’re better or worse than SPEED 2. Someday I may, and be able to compare them. I may, in fact, do that for Speed 2 Month 2015. Because I’ll need more material now.

Nic Cage still makes better movies than SPEED 2 ever was, no matter if you like his goony acting, crooked face and receding hairline or not. There was a time his big eyes were seen as attractive by some girls. I think they’re all dead inside, now.

Speed 2 Month Day 28: Quick Shots

I got a little behind in my planning this weekend and will just have enough time to a list of 10 Things to do That Are Better than Speed 2. You’ll thank me for every one of them.

Number One: Watch the entire LOST series. LOST is like watching a bonfire. You keep putting more into it, watching it rise, watching it fall, never seeming to want to stop. And then it goes out. LOST ended with sort of a whimper, sort of weird, almost good but not really. It was a frustratingly bizarre show of frustratingly damned people with frustratingly loose plot devices never concluded. And yet, every single hour – EVERY SINGLE HOUR – is better than the 121 minutes of SPEED 2.

Number Two: Drinking Irn-Bru. It’s orange, it’s Scottish and it usually has some of the most unconventional ad campaigns seen that side of the pond. It’s hard to locate around here, but it can be located, if you really, really want it that bad. It sort of tastes like bubble gum with a 5lb. bag of sugar added. It’s just not that good. The Scots love it though, and it offends the English and the Irish at the same time, which makes me happy sometimes. So, of course, better than watching SPEED 2. Here’s a pic so you can recognize it:

I’ve been told that Clamato and goat’s milk are likewise horrible drinks, but I’ve never had either. If you have, feel free to tell me they are worse than an hour of SPEED 2.

Number Three: Listening to the actors commentary of the Lord of the Rings films. If you ever want to listen to the most gods-awful, inane, pointless blather that could bore your boredom, it’s this. Even so, there are occasional flares of brilliance that shame the writers of SPEED 2. And I do mean occasional.

Number 4: The Wheel of Time. Robert Jordan (a pseudonym) wrote a massive fantasy series that was published from 1990 to 2013, with the last three volumes being finished by another writer after Jordan’s death. It was a frustratingly long series, with horrendously annoying characters, both male and female. It, like LOST, was something that just needed to be finished. It was an accomplishment if you could get through the first six volumes, as the gregariously large cast made it nearly impossible to follow without the glossary in the back of the each paperback. I would say the first three books are arguably the best, if somewhat standard fantasy plot. If you are brave enough to make it through all 14 volumes, including the abysmal final three, you have become a very special person. And likely will see where I’m going with this… as they are all better than SPEED 2, even the horrid ones.

Number Five: Spending time with V. So you’ve watched the incredibly good, incredibly dated original V series, and then moved on to V: THE FINAL BATTLE. You may have even gone on to the television series, and then possibly even to the recently done “reboot” series.  All in all, V was great! Wonderfully acted with some greatly underappreciated character journeymen (and women) and effects that were primo for the time. It’s a shame they didn’t quit while they were ahead, or think it out just a little – V: THE FINAL BATTLE nearly undermined the whole V concept in one fell swoop. A lizard/human hybrid chick with superpowers? Ugh. Makes you think even Jan de Bont could save this turkey… but no, sorry, SPEED 2 sucks shed lizard skid.

Number Six: UGGs and Leggings. You tell me you’d rather watch SPEED 2.

Number Seven: Eat Korv. Korv is a special sausage of Swedish descent. It’s usually pork based, with potatoes and whatever spices the Swedes feel like throwing in at any point. I like it. It looks like grey tubes of nastiness. I bed Jason Patric couldn’t eat it without spitting it out, which makes me smile. This is korv:

Number Eight: Making lists of things better than SPEED 2. Try it, you’ll find it’s pretty damned easy, as well as fun! All that crap you like that no one else does? It’ll fit on a list like this.

Number Nine: Nicolas Cage. I’m putting this here just because I can. Nic Cage is better than SPEED 2. Yes, even in GHOST RIDER.

Number Ten: SPEED. SPEED is better than SPEED 2, and it’s not just because Keanu is in it. What?