Speed 2 Month Day 25: Didn’t Think I Could do it?

Quarterlies are usually seen as some form of celebratory or focal point. I’m not sure if Speed 2 Month can be seen as a celebration as such, though I’m prepared to call 25 days of dishonoring a massive failure in entertainment and money spending something akin to that. Certainly not a tribute, but possibly Un-tribute.

I had no real plan on what to celebrate today, other than trying to locate a film that would once again show up the defects in SPEED 2, and maybe in the creation process of it as well. I think, after a quick internet brainstorm session with the IMDB (www.imdb.com), I located what I needed to make it one more day of procrastinating the eventual Nic Cage blather.

1989 was a great year in film. Ron Howard had a massive hit with PARENTHOOD, Oliver Stone made waves with BORN ON THE 4^TH OF JULY, Stephen Soderbergh cracked the arthouse market with SEX, LIES, AND VIDEOTAPE and Rob Reiner created a whole new focus group with the release of WHEN HARRY MET SALLY. Smaller noteworthy movies were pumped out, some just barely touching the big screen before hitting the burgeoning home video market, like Rutger Hauer in BLIND FURY, Tim Robbins and a few of the Monty Python boys in ERIK THE VIKING and Denzel Washington in THE MIGHTY QUINN, a really cool picture, if you haven’t seen it. On the sequel table came BACK TO THE FUTURE II, STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER, the third in the Indiana Jones series, KARATE KID III, the continuing misadventures of the Griswold family with NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION, the second Fletch movie, the second in the Lethal Weapon series, another Bond movie in LISCENCE TO KILL, the unneeded FOOD OF THE GODS II, and the target of today’s missive, GHOSTBUSTERS II.

It’s pretty clear sequel-itis had hit Hollyweird pretty hard by ’89, and would continue to do so for the next few years. Just looking at other movies released during the year and you see other, smaller hits that begat sequels. GHOSTBUSTERS II was released 5 years after that of the original, gigantic hit. It was apparently pressure from the studio that initiated this sequel. Considering the money to be made from what had already become a merchandising mountain, it’s not hard to see why. The entire main cast returned to reprise their parts, though it was difficult getting some to sign up, memory serves. It is here I wish my magazine collection was digitized to pop in articles of the nature… but you’ll just have to trust me that the malts and barley haven’t damaged the noggin all that much.

Regardless, they all came back to a tale that sees the Ghostbusters far from the heroes they were in ’84, now relegated to making money where they can, such as kiddie birthday parties. Things start picking up quickly as a haunted painting of a 16^th century nutcase begins to push emotion-effecting ectoplasm throughout the city of New York. Lord Vigo (the dead nutcase) wants to return to Earth by commandeering the baby of Dana (Sigourney Weaver), Venkman’s (Bill Murray) love interest from the previous movie. Bang, crash, boom, the Ghostbusters are needed to save the day, and they do, with some spectacularly similar events to the first story. Yawn.

GHOSTBUSTERS was made for 30 million and raked in 291 million back in ’84, one of the biggest hits since the last Star Wars flick then. GHOSTBUSTERS II was made for 37 million, not that big a bump, considering the size of the cast, and made over 215 million. Surprisingly, it was seen as a disappointment monetarily. While it may not have pulled in the same numbers, it’s still pretty damned good, considering the overall costs. I mean, SPEED cost around 30 million and raked in 350 million years later. SPEED 2… well… we know the massive budget jump that stinker got, and the splat it made at the box office. So, while there is no real budget comparison of GHOSTBUSTERS II to SPEED 2, there certainly is in plot.

In GHOSTBUSTERS II, the Ghostbusters must come together to save New York City from danger. Basically the same plot as the first movie, the only difference is what they must overcome to get together. In SPEED 2, the… well, I’ll call them the heroes… must save a cruise ship from smashing into a tanker and blowing up. In SPEED, the heroes must save a busload of passengers from blowing up. Not so much different there, just in the setting and the why of it (and the acting and overall story and the…). The real difference, since GHOSTBUSTERS II isn’t a great film, is in why it’s better than SPEED 2. It’s not a funny movie, like the first one was. It’s not new in what the characters are doing; in fact, there are almost scene-for-scene correlations to the original. The cast is so big you can’t get good representation of them all and actually wish you did. Between the original and II, there was an animated series that became known as THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS (I should tell the tale of that title sometime, it’s interesting). It was a huge hit, creating more merchandising than even the first movie. It did much to develop the four main characters, it seemed as if GHOSTBUSTERS II was either stealing from that show or avoiding parts of it. It was hard to say, unless you were a viewer of the cartoon. If you weren’t, that was not going to help you with this picture. Not helpful, for a sequel of standards that didn’t surpass the original.

GHOSTBUSTERS II is better than SPEED 2, regardless of its own failures. It has the original cast, including secondary characters. It has Harris Yulin, who just knows how to bellow above and beyond many other actors (he played the angry judge). It has real cameos by other actors. It has Harold Ramis, genius. It has Peter MacNichol, who just runs away with the one-liners as the art historian in charge of Lord Vigo’s painting. I’m thinking that if it weren’t for MacNichol, this movie would have never been remembered.

Peter MacNichol. Jason Patric. You decide.

Speed 2 Month Day 24: Cost Destructiveness

Inspired by Day 23’s column on 85 million dollar movies (the average budget of SPEED 2, given the disparity of amounts I discovered), I’m going to do the same today with the most expensive of the budgets (and likely the real one) attributed to SPEED 2, One Hundred and Sixty Million Dollars.

Looking at the movies with a budget of 160 million, it’s just as eclectic bunch as that of yesterday’s group.  Notable is a current film, this year’s GODZILLA feature, which has made almost 200 million in the US alone and still sits in the top 25 of box office draws. Also on the list are the hit films Fast & Furious 6, Xmen: First Class, and Inception, which showed Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s superior ability to Leo DiCaprio. Lesser films like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Van Helsing, and 2006’s Poseidon, a blatant error in judgement, remaking THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE. As with Day 23, none of these are the focus of today’s column.

SAHARA was the second of novelist Clive Cussler’s books to be adapted to film and also the second centering on character Dirk Pitt. It was a widely publicized film, with actor Matthew McConaughey even traveling the country in his own truck and trailer to make people aware of it. It consisted of a great cast, including white hot Penelope Cruz, Steve Zahn, Lennie James, William H. Macy, Delroy Lindo and some unknown guy named Rainn Wilson. McConaughey was so engrossed in maintaining the integrity of Dirk Pitt that he tried to emulate the look as much as he could, including tinted contacts to get eye color correct. It was an admirable, almost nerd-like devotion that is rarely seen, unless it’s manufactured. McConaughey and Zahn were pretty likeable as a duo (and I like Zahn a lot) and the action sequences are different, interesting and exciting. Sadly, while the movie performed well at the box office, it couldn’t overcome the extreme budget or the aftermath.

SAHARA was the 11^th published Dirk Pitt novel and the movie wastes no time getting to the meat of the story, introducing the character to viewers unaware of his history as quickly as possible. Essentially, Pitt and the team he works for, NUMA (National Underwater and Marine Agency), are retired naval officers that now treasure hunt and troubleshoot. In this story, at the end of the American Civil War, the Confederate Ironclad vessel Texas prepares to leave the country with a shipment of gold in hopes to keep it from Union hands. The vessel disappears after running a blockade. In present day, Pitt gains knowledge of a gold Confederate coin that appeared in the Niger River (that’s in Africa, in case you need help), coincidentally, as he’s nearby diving with the NUMA team. While on the search, he runs afoul of Cruz’ character who works for the World Health Organization, desert nomad warriors and a sadistic dictator of nearby Mali. Eventually the group discovers the Texas, defeats the dictator and recovers the gold. All in a day’s work for Dirk Pitt.

As in Cussler’s earlier novel and movie adaptation, RAISE THE TITANIC, the general premise is sound and interesting, if improbable. Unlike the Titanic, the Texas never left dry dock and was captured by Union soldiers after the war. The real improbability of the tale is twofold. If the desert warriors, the Tuareg, knew about the Texas, why not just take the bloody gold? Is it really possible that a 140 year old vessels cannon could still fire after so much time sitting in the desert covered by sand? Silly plot devices in a generally entertaining romp.

Clive Cussler, who has written more books than I have brain cells, wasn’t pleased with the outcome. He initially was happy with McConaughey’s presence, but has since spit in the face of it. He also sued the producers for ten million dollars, partly in response to perceived contract disagreements, partly for monies he believed owed him for a follow up movie that is unlikely to ever be made, considering the losses incurred. In fact, the information released due to the lawsuit sure opened some eyes when it came to shady dealings of location shooting! Here’s some great testimony from then: Sahara suit

I liked SAHARA. Steve Zahn is great in everything he does, even when it’s a scummy character. Penelope Cruz was fairly entertaining, too. Lennie James can act his way to the moon and back and never get boring. It’s not a bad movie at all, it’s just little more than Saturday afternoon popcorn fun. That’s not to say it’s less of a movie than SPEED 2, it isn’t. It remains far superior to that miserable pile of vituperous excretion. I dare you to say different.

Day 25 tomorrow – shall we celebrate?

Speed 2 Month Day 23: Cost Effectiveness

My blood pressure is still recovering from that brief look at the Star Wars prequels, so Nic Cage is going to get bumped again. I know you’re all so sorry about that. Instead, I’m taking an average of the different budget totals of SPEED 2 and looking at other movies made for that amount. And my friends, there are a lot.

Figuring that the average budget of SPEED 2 is 85 million dollars, which is likely far below the true amount, these are some of the other films made for that amount: Cast Away, Fast & Furious (as well as the Tokyo Drift sequel), I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Ocean’s Eleven and Ocean’s Thirteen, Memoirs of a Geisha, Tower Heist, Enemy of the State, The Last Action Hero and The Holiday. As much as I’d enjoy picking apart a movie like I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY, I’ve yet to see it, so it’s off the table. Most of these, and others that also had an 85 million dollar budget, I have seen. Some are actually pretty damned good. The fact that OCEAN’S ELEVEN and OCEAN’S THIRTEEN were both made for the same budget is interesting, considering the size and scope of those flicks. But, I’m not peering in their direction, either.

TOWER HEIST hit the silver screen in 2011 after a roughly six year development process, in which Eddie Murphy initiated the idea, dropped out, then came back to. It had a fairly large cast and likely was aiming at the audience that enjoyed the 3 (or 4, if you count the original) Ocean’s Eleven movies. The plot is fairly dense, for a caper movie, trying to envelop headlines of the day with characters moviegoers would root for. In brief, most of the characters work at an expensive high-rise apartment complex and have let one of the residents take their live savings and investment plans to invest in a money-making venture. Turns out he’s a massive white-collar crook and all their money is gone, though he’s put in house arrest at the apartment he owns in the building. Plans go ahead for the workers to try and steal their money back, with the aid of a street crook, under the nose of the FBI. As usual, chaos ensues.

Overall, it’s not a terrible movie, thereby placing it far beyond the reach of SPEED 2. The flaws of the film nearly outdo the respectability of the story, sadly, making it nothing more than a one-viewing flick. The promos gave high hope to the story, making it out to be a comedy-caper. It really isn’t, even though there are quite a few comedic moments within. Alan Alda plays the Bernie Madoff-like part, and does quite well in the role. He definitely got a juicy role, and ran with it. If you’re an Alda fan, you’ll like the movie just for his scenes. If you’re an Eddie Murphy fan, you may not get quite what you bargained for here. While he does put some work into his role, it almost feels as if he’s just playing a more “real”, a more “dark” version of Billy Ray Valentine, the character he portrayed in TRADING PLACES. Ben Stiller is the lead, steering away from his more silly comedy roots and stepping up into the core everyman that he is actually quite good at. In fact, if you have seen this movie, I highly recommend his version of THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY, where he admirably steps into the shoes of leading man far and above anything else I’ve seen him in. Matthew Broderick is also in this flick, somewhere. Mostly he’s background material or has little to say. It isn’t a strong performance. Most of the secondary characters get good bits; though some feel like they’re just tacked on to add a multinational feel of the class struggle that’s part of the overall plot. Some of it works, some doesn’t. The theft itself isn’t great; mostly the story revolving around the why of the theft is what really drives the movie. As usual with feel-good films like this, you get the obligatory “happy ending” that may be a bit overdone.

Tower Heist promo 

85 million dollars vs. 160 million dollars. It’s hard to make money the main focus of a diatribe like this, but if fat, boring Kevin Smith can do it, why couldn’t Jan de Bont? Well, TOWER HEIST wasn’t done by fat, boring Kevin Smith, but Brett Ratner of the RUSH HOUR series of movies, which were massive hits. Makes you wonder why the RUSH HOUR sequels worked for Ratner and SPEED 2 just bombed for de Bont, doesn’t it? Ha. Nope.

TOWER HEIST pulled in about 153 million dollars worldwide, which doesn't quite better SPEED 2's totals of 164 million, nor did it make much money for the studio, but it certainly wasn't the stinking bomb of the latter. Nor did it have Jason Patric.

More SPEED 2 incompetence tomorrow!

Speed 2 Month Day 22: Recognize

A Leaf on the Wind is taking a breather after the vibrant anger of Day 21. Today, we present everything in photo form so you know what to avoid.

This is SPEED, the movie that started it all:

This is Dennis Hopper, who made SPEED a much more enjoyable movie than it would have been without him:

 This is SPEED 2, the movie that started the special month we now reside in:

 These are the starts of this piece of shit, Sandra Bullock and Jason Patric:

This is Jason Patric before the receding hairline. You'll notice in both pics it looks like he's ready to spit at you:

This is Willem Defoe, from a scene in SPEED 2, obviously method acting:

This is Jan de Bont, director of SPEED and SPEED 2:

Whoops, sorry. This is Jan de Bont, director of SPEED 2, purveyor of shit and happy to shove it down your throat that he spent 160 million dollars on something so wretched it'll be panned forever. You should memorize every crag on his putrid face:

This is Jan de Bont after finding out his career went out of cruise control and hit a bridge abutment with the force of two planets smacking each other:

Still a smarmy shitbag.

This is my cat Ginger, who also hates SPEED 2:

 Tomorrow, more SPEED 2 crappiness.

Speed 2 Month Day 21: Prequels Fucking Suck Dirty Balls

I’m in a particularly foul mood today, so I’ve put off the highly anticipated attack on Nic Cage’s career to point the barrel at a much larger steaming pile of goo, namely the Star Wars “prequel” trilogy. I’ll pointedly avoid the terribly overdone original Star Wars trilogy that George Lucas had the egotistical need to revamp to suit his gold lined pockets, and solely target the three films that were supposed to tell the story of Anakin Skywalker and his dark descent into the evil Darth Vader. I’ll try not to go into too much of a rant on why Star Wars in itself destroyed the entire science fiction film genre, because, well, it did and that’s an extremely lengthy subject that has little to do with SPEED 2.

By 1999, when STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE (aka Episode I) was finally released, Star Wars fans were essentially wetting themselves in anticipation and excitement. The sheer amounts of uber nerds walking around in their Jedi robes while shopping was enough to make a Star Trek fan tear his hair out in ire, and vomit profusely in oversensitivity to their own plight of having to deal with Star Trek: Voyager. Practically everyone that is anyone wanted to see what George Lucas had finally decided was good enough to put on the big screen, not only continuing the Star Wars saga, but telling an original story without having to handle characters and actors well known to a thirty-year old audience.

I’m not going to even bother to explain the story to those that haven’t seen it, waste your own time watching 12 plus hours of science fantasy blather and Carrie Fisher try to act through her cocaine haze. You may get a laugh out of it after reading this. Maybe. Although a massive moneymaking success, the story blew chunks, and those chunks blew giant sized holes in the story practically raised to a mythology by its fandom.

Yes, most people took to Qui-Gon Jinn, the Jedi master portrayed by Liam Neeson. Most liked the portrayal of a young Ben Kenobi by Ewan McGregor. Fans got sexually excited when Ray Park showed up as Darth Maul. The special effects were quite good, if just as obvious as the old stuff from 1977. I can’t think of anything else that really went well, but then, I’m in a mood and just don’t care that much.

Ignoring everyone’s favorite target, JAR JAR BINKS, it’s really fun and easy to point out the stupidity of this… prequel. The “Trade Federation”, a group of horribly obvious racist stereotypes, is the big, bad wolf of the tale. Sort of. They’re relegated to bit part status by the time the third movie rolls out, to most viewers’ spiteful laughter. They weren’t threatening, their ships were stupid looking and they have some of the most hideous lines in the movie. Their droid army is just as silly – how the hell did a civilization as important as Naboo is supposed to be fall to these inept creations? O, right… it’s George Lucas; it doesn’t have to make sense. That’s why we have midichlorians.

Remember those, Star Wars junkies? Midichlorians, the microscopic things in your bloodstream that determine your strength in the force. Yes, even George decided someone had to explain away the most mysterious thing in his own story, destroying it utterly. MIDICHLORIANS. They’re the best thing since… o, I don’t know… Greedo got his shot in.

There was this kid hired to play a 9-year old Anakin Skywalker, the eventual Darth Vader. We were forced to swallow that he not only built and programmed the future protocol droid called C-3PO (I thought those were designations by the manufacturers, Annie!?!) We were forced to swallow that he could pilot a starship. We were forced to… o fuck it, we were just forced. It was rape, plain and simple, and the Star Wars fans, while whining the whole time, took it and asked for more. And they got it with two more, gradually deteriorating movies. More on that shortly.

There was an overly complicated plot of politics and Machiavelli machinations that would have been a much better tale minus the Gungans, Trade Federation and genius level Anakin Skywalker. Did I not mention the Gungans? They’re the race good ol’ Jar Jar is from. Here’s a pic:

‘Nuff said? Meesa think so, Annie.

Before I forget that there are two more movies in this epic disaster, let’s get to them. Episode II, also known as STAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE CLONES, gave us an older, more experienced Anakin, working alongside his mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi, as a veritably screaming in happiness Liam Neeson got his character killed off in Episode I. This Anakin was full of teenage angst, practically rubbing his crotch every scene he had with the soon-to-be former Queen of Naboo, Amidala/Padme/Whothefuckcaresit’sNataliePortman. Then again, most of the male fans (and likely some of the females) were doing much the same in the theatre. What, you didn’t see? It was disgusting. Paul Ruebens was pretty pissed no one got arrested.

Ahem. Moving on.

ATTACK OF THE CLONES was supposed to be better. It dumped all the dumb things from Episode I, mostly. Remember those pesky midichlorians? Never happened. Pod racing Anakin? He’s older now, and much more mature. (Insert as much sarcasm as is left in the tank, right over there) Heroic R2-D2? Yeah, he’s still there. O, and so is good ol’ Jar Jar, because he’s got to be redeemed. George Lucas promised he’s not a racist. ATTACK OF THE CLONES was supposed to be better. It’s a mantra. ATTACK OF THE CLONES was supposed to be better. It brought us the clones! It initiated the Clone Wars, of which were mentioned waaaaaaaaaay back in STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE. It forced the idea that Jango Fett, daddy to Boba, was the genesis of the clones… right up our colon. Once again, great special effects, almost worth it plot, but… the Jedi were fucking idiots. Likely still are, since most of them were killed off at the end of the third movie. I mean, how often can Yoda go on about ‘a darkness in the force’ and not do a fucking thing about it before you, as a viewer, acknowledge that the characters are just pompous, overblown dumbasses? I practically wanted Count Dooku (good name for a shit character, George) to whip his dick out and slap every face he could. Right on screen. Slapslapslap. Like that, Mace Windu? Slapslapslap. How’s that taste, Amidala? Slapslapslap. Youza likes dat, Jar Jar?

There’s a romance that blossoms somewhere in Episode I that is vomit inducing. It really gets moving in Episode II, and rolls right into Episode III, STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH. That title alone is almost a tounge-in-cheek joke, as the original title of Episode VI was REVENGE OF THE JEDI, not RETURN OF. I’m not entirely sure what they were getting revenge for, exactly, as the story became so pathetically warped in trying to be its own movie and tell the story of Anakin’s fall, it lost all credibility. The love story was stupid. The clones were stupid. The Jedi were morons. Hayden Christensen’s performance was fucking hideous. The action sequences with R2-D2 and C-3PO were laughable, only in that it was stupid. Obi-Wan leaving an enraged, fuckwit Anakin for dead without an arm, a hand, a leg… whatever… burned horribly, was the single dumbest thing ever. I mean, why? I pity you too much to kill you, but I’ll maim you and scorch you, then leave you for dead instead? I have to wonder if that was a threat to George made by a disgruntled fan that no Tauntauns were appearing in the prequels.

How were the prequels better than SPEED 2, you must be thinking. By and large, they are, no matter my complete and utter distaste for them. In THE PHANTOM MENACE, the lightsaber duel between Darth Maul and Qui-Gon Jinn (and eventually Ben) was a grand feat of choreography. The technical aspects of all three movies are amazing, and you can’t say they aren’t. You may not like CGI or what has become of movies because of it, but they were used quite well here. Natalie Portman in a tight, white jumpsuit works for me, too. I got some primo quotes from these films that are great to prick the ego of Star Wars fans worldwide, too. “Execute Order 66” will forever be one of the best – the death of the Jedi, by and large. And completely stupid, too. All of that and one other thing made these better than SPEED 2. Jar Jar Binks got to be a senator.

More hatred and dysfunction tomorrow, because John Amenta said so. He also said “even I hate them [the prequels] and I like SPEED 2.” So, there.