I’m in a particularly foul mood today, so I’ve put off the
highly anticipated attack on Nic Cage’s career to point the barrel at a much
larger steaming pile of goo, namely the Star Wars “prequel” trilogy. I’ll
pointedly avoid the terribly overdone original Star Wars trilogy that George
Lucas had the egotistical need to revamp to suit his gold lined pockets, and
solely target the three films that were supposed to tell the story of Anakin
Skywalker and his dark descent into the evil Darth Vader. I’ll try not to go
into too much of a rant on why Star Wars in itself destroyed the entire science
fiction film genre, because, well, it did and that’s an extremely lengthy
subject that has little to do with SPEED 2.
By 1999, when STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE (aka Episode I)
was finally released, Star Wars fans were essentially wetting themselves in
anticipation and excitement. The sheer amounts of uber nerds walking around in
their Jedi robes while shopping was enough to make a Star Trek fan tear his
hair out in ire, and vomit profusely in oversensitivity to their own plight of
having to deal with Star Trek: Voyager. Practically everyone that is anyone
wanted to see what George Lucas had finally decided was good enough to put on
the big screen, not only continuing the Star Wars saga, but telling an original
story without having to handle characters and actors well known to a
thirty-year old audience.
I’m not going to even bother to explain the story to those
that haven’t seen it, waste your own time watching 12 plus hours of science
fantasy blather and Carrie Fisher try to act through her cocaine haze. You may
get a laugh out of it after reading this. Maybe. Although a massive moneymaking
success, the story blew chunks, and those chunks blew giant sized holes in the
story practically raised to a mythology by its fandom.
Yes, most people took to Qui-Gon Jinn, the Jedi master
portrayed by Liam Neeson. Most liked the portrayal of a young Ben Kenobi by Ewan
McGregor. Fans got sexually excited when Ray Park showed up as Darth Maul. The special
effects were quite good, if just as obvious as the old stuff from 1977. I can’t
think of anything else that really went well, but then, I’m in a mood and just
don’t care that much.
Ignoring everyone’s favorite target, JAR JAR BINKS, it’s really
fun and easy to point out the stupidity of this… prequel. The “Trade Federation”,
a group of horribly obvious racist stereotypes, is the big, bad wolf of the
tale. Sort of. They’re relegated to bit part status by the time the third movie
rolls out, to most viewers’ spiteful laughter. They weren’t threatening, their
ships were stupid looking and they have some of the most hideous lines in the
movie. Their droid army is just as silly – how the hell did a civilization as important
as Naboo is supposed to be fall to these inept creations? O, right… it’s George
Lucas; it doesn’t have to make sense. That’s why we have midichlorians.
Remember those, Star Wars junkies? Midichlorians, the
microscopic things in your bloodstream that determine your strength in the
force. Yes, even George decided someone had to explain away the most mysterious
thing in his own story, destroying it utterly. MIDICHLORIANS. They’re the best
thing since… o, I don’t know… Greedo got his shot in.
There was this kid hired to play a 9-year old Anakin
Skywalker, the eventual Darth Vader. We were forced to swallow that he not only
built and programmed the future protocol droid called C-3PO (I thought those
were designations by the manufacturers, Annie!?!) We were forced to swallow
that he could pilot a starship. We were forced to… o fuck it, we were just
forced. It was rape, plain and simple, and the Star Wars fans, while whining
the whole time, took it and asked for more. And they got it with two more,
gradually deteriorating movies. More on that shortly.
There was an overly complicated plot of politics and
Machiavelli machinations that would have been a much better tale minus the
Gungans, Trade Federation and genius level Anakin Skywalker. Did I not mention
the Gungans? They’re the race good ol’ Jar Jar is from. Here’s a pic:
‘Nuff said? Meesa think so, Annie.
Before I forget that there are two more movies in this epic
disaster, let’s get to them. Episode II, also known as STAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE
CLONES, gave us an older, more experienced Anakin, working alongside his
mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi, as a veritably screaming in happiness Liam Neeson got
his character killed off in Episode I. This Anakin was full of teenage angst,
practically rubbing his crotch every scene he had with the soon-to-be former
Queen of Naboo, Amidala/Padme/Whothefuckcaresit’sNataliePortman. Then again,
most of the male fans (and likely some of the females) were doing much the same
in the theatre. What, you didn’t see? It was disgusting. Paul Ruebens was
pretty pissed no one got arrested.
Ahem. Moving on.
ATTACK OF THE CLONES was supposed to be better. It dumped
all the dumb things from Episode I, mostly. Remember those pesky midichlorians?
Never happened. Pod racing Anakin? He’s older now, and much more mature.
(Insert as much sarcasm as is left in the tank, right over there) Heroic R2-D2?
Yeah, he’s still there. O, and so is good ol’ Jar Jar, because he’s got to be
redeemed. George Lucas promised he’s not a racist. ATTACK OF THE CLONES was
supposed to be better. It’s a mantra. ATTACK OF THE CLONES was supposed to be
better. It brought us the clones! It initiated the Clone Wars, of which were
mentioned waaaaaaaaaay back in STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE. It forced the idea that
Jango Fett, daddy to Boba, was the genesis of the clones… right up our colon.
Once again, great special effects, almost worth it plot, but… the Jedi were
fucking idiots. Likely still are, since most of them were killed off at the end
of the third movie. I mean, how often can Yoda go on about ‘a darkness in the
force’ and not do a fucking thing about it before you, as a viewer, acknowledge
that the characters are just pompous, overblown dumbasses? I practically wanted
Count Dooku (good name for a shit character, George) to whip his dick out and
slap every face he could. Right on screen. Slapslapslap. Like that, Mace Windu?
Slapslapslap. How’s that taste, Amidala? Slapslapslap. Youza likes dat, Jar
Jar?
There’s a romance that blossoms somewhere in Episode I that
is vomit inducing. It really gets moving in Episode II, and rolls right into
Episode III, STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH. That title alone is almost a
tounge-in-cheek joke, as the original title of Episode VI was REVENGE OF THE
JEDI, not RETURN OF. I’m not entirely sure what they were getting revenge for,
exactly, as the story became so pathetically warped in trying to be its own
movie and tell the story of Anakin’s
fall, it lost all credibility. The love story was stupid. The clones were
stupid. The Jedi were morons. Hayden Christensen’s performance was fucking
hideous. The action sequences with R2-D2 and C-3PO were laughable, only in that
it was stupid. Obi-Wan leaving an enraged, fuckwit Anakin for dead without an
arm, a hand, a leg… whatever… burned horribly, was the single dumbest thing
ever. I mean, why? I pity you too much to kill you, but I’ll maim you and
scorch you, then leave you for dead instead? I have to wonder if that was a threat
to George made by a disgruntled fan that no Tauntauns were appearing in the
prequels.
How were the prequels better than SPEED 2, you must be
thinking. By and large, they are, no matter my complete and utter distaste for
them. In THE PHANTOM MENACE, the lightsaber duel between Darth Maul and Qui-Gon
Jinn (and eventually Ben) was a grand feat of choreography. The technical
aspects of all three movies are amazing, and you can’t say they aren’t. You may
not like CGI or what has become of movies because of it, but they were used
quite well here. Natalie Portman in a tight, white jumpsuit works for me, too.
I got some primo quotes from these films that are great to prick the ego of
Star Wars fans worldwide, too. “Execute Order 66” will forever be one of the
best – the death of the Jedi, by and large. And completely stupid, too. All of
that and one other thing made these better than SPEED 2. Jar Jar Binks got to
be a senator.
More hatred and dysfunction tomorrow, because John Amenta said
so. He also said “even I hate them [the prequels] and I like SPEED 2.” So,
there.
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