Speed 2 Month 2016 Day One -- Fighting in the Streets

It’s a few days into SPEED 2 MONTH, which I delayed due to some personal conflicts of the greatly chaotic 2016. Of course, it’s Independence Day here in the States, where we all enjoy blowing up small parts of the land in celebration of a divorce from our best friend in the world. I suppose I should start this year’s exploration with the movie that steals the holiday’s name, but that would be too easy. Plus, no matter what you say about it, INDEPENDENCE DAY (ID4) was so far superior to SPEED 2 that it’s just not worth the exercise. Instead, I’ll go into a movie I recently retched... er, watched, STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI.

I will assume readers are all aware of Street Fighter, the video game or at least, the manga and comics. Chun Li is one of the principal characters of the storyline in all aspects of the game and subsidiary product, as well as one of the most popular. She’s a Chinese national, at least in most interpretations, with pseudo-traditional dress to make her stand out. In the video game she has a signature fighting style that made her fun to play, pushing her to heights of pop culture nobility far exceeding the games.

The video game is pretty simplistic storytelling, getting dense when you explore character backgrounds. It was pretty much the grand daddy of all character driven fighting games, setting the stage for many, many, many others. I’m guessing that the simple story of the game is generally why any live-action production garnered from the game attracts so many dungflies.

Street Fighter has had two English-language films based off of it, the second of which is LEGEND OF CHUN-LI. I’ll maybe handle the first movie next year, because two Street Fighter movies during this month might break my already fragile psyche. In fact, if I wasn’t drinking right at this moment, reliving LEGEND OF CHUN-LI might make me run out and burn down a building. Awful is the name of the game here, people. It’s the prettiest, most bad-ass, tv-actor-to-movie-actor-filled slugfest of total boredom I’ve ever seen. O yes, it’s terrible. Not as terrible as the ineptitude of the King of All Crappy Movies, SPEED 2, but hey, that’s a tall mountain to climb.

Where does STREET FIGHTER: LEGEND OF CHUN-LI fail? Well. Let’s start with the lead. Kristin Kreuk, late of the CW series Smallville, where she did her level best to ruin the hearts of fans as the lovely Lana Lang, takes on Chun-Li as a Chinese-American. Fail one. Chun-Li, at least in the games and other supporting material, is a very strong personality. Here, it’s an origin story and not a good one. It takes most of the movie for the real Chun-Li to finally appear, which, if this was to be a franchise builder, would not necessarily be a bad thing. Sadly… I kept waiting for Ming-Na Wen to show up. That’s a pithy, pop-culture reference that some of you might get. Google it if you need to.

Neal McDonough is the big baddie, M. Bison. He is usually lots of fun to watch, but here it ain’t happening. If he took the role for a new roof, I get it. Even actors have to pay bills. Well, most of them do. He brings nothing to the role, which was handled so much better in the previous Street Fighter film by a very sick Raul Julia, which is even more displeasing, as I personally enjoy McDonough in everything, even stinkers like WING COMMANDER. Fail three.

To assist our hapless heroine, we get a Mortal Kombat film veteran, Robin Shou. I didn’t even recognize him in this oxygen-stealing stinker. His fight scenes were weak and poorly clapped together, a failure if there ever was one as he was arguably the best athlete in the MK movies. To add to this, most of the fight scenes were not well done, so fail five.

Fail six: Chris Klein.

Where is the movie good? It’s pretty, as stated before. Kreuk is one helluva looker for film and she does gain some great headshots from this celluloid clunker. Some of the chase scenes are fun and action packed, a few of the fight scenes are okay and Shou and Kreuk actually do have some bond going on screen that makes their time together watchable. But the ONE, SINGLE THING that makes the movie so, so much better than SPEED 2: Cheng Pei-Pei. Likely best known for her role as the misguided character Jade Fox in CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON, she eats up every scene she gets in every movie she appears in. Just for this alone, STREET FIGHTER: LEGEND OF CHUN-LI stands apart from SPEED 2. Do yourself a favor and watch anything this great actress has done. You won’t be sorry.

SPEED 2 Month 2016 Day One: Taken down by a video game adaptation. Maybe this will be video game movie month vs. SPEED 2. Maybe.

More tomorrow, with an explanation of all things SPEED 2.

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Speed 2 Month Day 31: Concluding Thoughts

Technically, Speed 2 Month should be done during June, if I were to go with release dates. I chose to ignore that detail and utilize the lengthier month of July to posit my belligerent missives to you loyal, gradually learning readers. I don’t think it’s necessary to blight the lovely month of June every year with a rememberance of the hideousness of SPEED 2, so who knows if I’ll return to June in 2015 or not. Either way, this is the final installment of Speed 2 Month for 2014, seventeen years after the eponymous movie was crapped across America. What have we learned since the month began?

1)      Jason Patric looks like Zoolander when he “acts”.

2)      Jan de Bont is a moron.

3)      20^th Century Fox took a bath on this heap of offal.

4)      Many, many, many things are better than SPEED 2.

5)      John Amenta may have forgiven me for this continuously aggressive attack on a stupid movie he may have enjoyed, but likely hasn’t for calling Bill Parcells’ tenure on the Dallas Cowboys “akin to a SPEED 2 career move”.

6)      I dislike Kevin Smith quite a bit.

7)      HIGHLANDER 2 should be acknowledged, but for reasons other than any merit.

8)      If you put George Lucas and Kevin Smith in a room together, would there be enough oxygen left to let Nic Cage breathe?

9)      A Leaf on the Wind cannot do math – the average of the reported budget differences on SPEED 2 is quite a bit higher than 85 million – and none of you caught it.

10)   Other than the initial Day 1 commentary to spark off the month, Day 26 (Prequels Fucking Suck Dirty Balls) got the most hits, which either shows you’re all a bunch of Star Wars haters, you like swears or you just liked the title. Even so, the most “liked” column compared to views was Day 8, “Soleil Rouge”. Star power of Charles Bronson, I’m thinking.

I would hope that if nothing else, you’ve gotten yourself a good, hearty laugh at Mr. Amenta and my own moronic blather of what makes a good movie. It’s all subjective, unless you’re some sort of fascist and need to tell me things like why the Lord of the Rings films are better than the books. Or why I ‘NEED TO WATCH GAME OF THRONES’. I don’t, so shut the fuck up. Go back to your idiot box. Also, go look at your movie collection. If you’re that guy that owns a copy of SPEED 2 and not SPEED… I just pity you. I’m looking at you, John Amenta.

To finish off the month, I’m reposting the original Speed 2 blog post I did o so long ago. Enjoy it and be back in 2015 for more SPEED 2!

15 Short Film Reviews or Why Speed 2 Sucks Like a Dyson Vacuum

(Originally posted 10/22/2008)

 


Film 1:  Fiend Without a Face
Starring Canada's greatest actor, Marshall Thompson, this phenomenal black and white horror/sci-fi stunner has some of the most disgusting and grotesque sound effects from any movie.  That says much, considering the budget.  Speed 2 had a budget that dwarfed FWaF as the sun dwarfs the Earth, so that alone says we have a better film here.
Film 2:  Silent Running
A seventies orphan, this overly hippie-like science fiction stars Bruce Dern in almost a solo role.  As he is an actor of repute (The 'Burbs notwithstanding), that alone would make it a worthy opponent of Speed 2.  Fortunately, the story is well thought out and makes you care for robots that don't speak or make much sound.  Eat your heart out, Star Wars nerds.
Film 3:  The Gamers
A newer indie movie, this one slays the role playing game nerd, his views and living at home with mama.  Not a great movie at all, but still has humorous moments and some real actors interspersed through the rookies.  It also moves at a faster pace than the entirety of Speed 2, making it a fairly superior movie just for that.
Film 4:  Heavy Metal
Ah, Heavy Metal.  The first time I ever saw animated boobs.  Kudos to that, you get high marks and a rating that puts Speed 2 and its poor domestic take to greater shame.
Film 5:  Flying Guillotine
This Chinese masterpiece probably has thirteen other titles, but this is how I saw it for the first time.  I'm no cinemaphile to the degree I know everything that the Hong Kong movie studios ever did, but wow... a headless corpse can do better at acting than Jason Patric in Speed 2.  Watch both, you'll agree.
Film 6:  Jabberwocky
One of the many films done by members of the Monty Python crew that technically isn't Monty Python.  It is also not a great movie.  It is, however, better than Speed 2 just in the idiocy of Michael Palin's lead character, rather than the idiocy of a poor script, poor planning, poor acting, poor science...
Film 7:  Death Race 2000
Probably the first real "cult hit" movie on the list, as well as a Roger Corman classic.  Corman doesn't always hit it well, but when he does, he hits like a cruise ship into a dockside of people, buildings and businesses.  Just a lot faster and more destructive than the one in Speed 2.
Film 8:  The Phantom
By this one I do mean the Billy Zane film adapting the comic strip character.  There have been other interpretations of the Phantom but this one, while not remarkable in a host of ways, is the best.  Not only that, but when Treat Williams is better in a movie than Willem Dafoe, that should ring alarms.  Hm.  Maybe Speed 2 needed Billy Zane?
Film 9:  UHF
Weird Al Yankovic trumps even the first Speed movie.  Unless of course, they make a Speed 3.
Film 10:  Eraserhead
Oh, come on.  It's David Lynch!
Film 11:  Night of the Lepus
"Giant" bunnies attacking a town and kicking aside the (toy) railroad tracks make for better movies than Sandra Bullock trying to stop a cruise ship from... what was she doing in Speed 2?  Anyone?
Film 12:  Red Sun
I absolutely love this movie, which alone would make it on a different list from this one, but it's not on DVD and Speed 2 is, so there's your trump.  Red Sun, a weird western tale with Toshiro Mifune and Chuck Bronson that's NOT ON DVD is better than Speed 2.
Film 13:  Burnt Offerings
Honestly, I don't remember much about this one except as a kid, I was too scared not to watch.  Certain scenes stick with me, as they scared me and a best friend at the time to the point of giggles.  I think the only thing in Speed 2 that made me giggle is when I turned the volume on and listened to the dialogue.
Film 14:  Godzilla versus Mothra
Godzilla is better than Jason Patric's pout, hence this entry on the list.  Godzilla made more money, too.
Film 15:  The Corsican Brothers
Cheech and Chong at their absolute worst!  An unfunny, unrelenting bore of a movie with bad, bad, BAD jokes.  And yet, it laughs at Speed 2 because it's a better film.  The costume designer alone would beat Speed 2 and the speedos seen in it.  Ugh!
And there you have it, fifteen movies better than Speed 2.  I highly recommend all of the above as good popcorn digesters, rather than wasting time and money on the viciously awful on the eyes and ears Speed 2.  Didn't think I could do it?  I may do it again with another 15.  Hope you liked it... I know a guy named John that did.

Speed 2 Month Day 9: Powered Flight

When SPEED 2 was released that black Friday in June of 1997, it had little to compete with other than a few aging blockbusters and ULEE’S GOLD, which had little to do with action/adventure with a romantic twist. Except, a week prior, one of those was released. Its name was CON AIR and it, like many of these types of movies, has a ‘love it’ or ‘hate it’ fan base.

A brief synopsis of the movie, for those not in the know: Returning vet (an Army Ranger, if that’s important to you) gets arrested after a bar fight, defending his wife. Serves his time, is sent on a transport plane of serial criminals, which they have plotted to take over, so they can fly to freedom. Chaos and heroism ensues as the Ranger does all he can to return to his wife and child. Got it? Good.

CON AIR has a number of things going for it and the first is the cast. Love him or hate him, Nicolas Cage took the lead role and filled it admirably, if not memorably. Honestly, anyone could have fit the role and done it justice; it really isn’t that deep of a character. Broad strokes here, folks. Even so, he’s likable enough to propel the oddball plot. Colm Meaney gets props for playing a complete fool, something usually done by journeyman actors John C. McGinley, John Glover or William Atherton. A complete character study can be done with the list of actors playing the convicts – M.C. Gainey, Ving Rhames, Danny Trejo, Dave Chappelle, Steve Buscemi and creepy-in-a-fun-way John Malkovich. To round it out, the man in the hero’s corner is played by John Cusack, who seems totally out of his element but still gets in the action.

The budget was 75 million dollars, less than half of SPEED 2. It grossed a total of 101 million in the US, which didn’t make it a breakout summer hit. It did total out at over 224 million worldwide, which probably made everyone happy, all told. To compare, if you’ve forgotten the figures, SPEED 2 did 48 million domestically and 164 million worldwide. I’m thinking that Nic Cage probably would’ve been able to fill Jason Patric’s role and pull off another 5 or 6 million in sales, domestically. Still wouldn’t have been able to save the script, the movie or the profit margin, though. CON AIR has done something else that many movies of the 90’s have not been able to avoid: the dreaded sequel. Fans clamor for the director, Simon West, to fulfill their dreams and do a second movie. It has yet to happen, thankfully. He did agree to direct EXPENDABLES 2, so that may have been enough to clear out any interest in doing any other sequel for the man. Or, one would hope.

It’s unlikely CON AIR did anything to push SPEED 2 off the box office chart any quicker than its own inept tale was already doing to itself. In fact, it’s more likely people walked out of SPEED 2 and snuck into another viewing of AUSTIN POWERS, which was likely still basking in glory, six weeks after release. Then again, three weeks later would have Nic Cage in a second summer movie, FACE/OFF. If any action/adventure movie put a bullet in the walking corpse that was SPEED 2, it was this flick. More on that on day 10, as Speed 2 Month continues…

Speed 2 Month Day 8: Soleil Rouge

Three days off of A Leaf on the Wind and Speed 2 Month have given me great hope and positive reinforcement for the upcoming week. Since Speed 2 Month is really a vicious attack on a poorly designed, thought out and directed piece of film history (as well as full of negative extorting), I’ll attempt to temper it, this coming week at least, with a more upbeat spin. You be the judge as to how well I do.

I don’t recall exactly when I discovered RED SUN. I’m sure it was towards the end of my high school years, when movies of the sort were shown on the local television stations during weekend, non-prime time hours. I don’t believe I had cable at that time, my parents refusing to pay for television service. The Western genre hadn’t been a particular favorite of mine at the time, as most of the movies aired from the time I started watching television to that point were Westerns. Some were good, some my father loved and that I tolerated; some I loathed. It would be some further years before it became a beloved film category.

I know at the time that the DEATH WISH series that Charles Bronson starred in were still going strong, if not completely well thought of, and I was keen on seeing Bronson back in digs I knew him best. I know I missed the title sequence of the film, because I recall hunting for the television guide during a commercial break. I mean, there were Japanese Samurai in this picture! A sword is stolen by a pretty brutal thief (Alain Delon) and… Toshiro Mifune?!? I was hooked almost immediately. I had never heard of a Western that has mixed Japanese and American cultures of the late 19^th century. The David Carradine-driven television series KUNG FU did have a few episodes with Japanese characters, but I didn’t really find a heady interest in that show for many years (again, a program that seemed to bleed off every free moment of local programming… it was overwhelmingly dull to see the same episode every weekend). So here is this movie I’d never heard of, already with two names I’d appreciated in other movies or television features, Bronson and Mifune. The basic plot was simple, the setting bizarre in that there hadn’t been anything like it that I’d seen and I ate it up.

RED SUN was directed by Terence Young, famous for directing DR. NO and FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, the first two James Bond pictures. While RED SUN doesn’t have the same punch as those two films, the chemistry between Bronson and Mifune, who likely had a speech coach for his English, comes off on screen. I’d like to discover more about the creation of this oddball oater, since the personalities involved were quite strong and I’m sure there are some great tales from the set. You think that the story has played out at a point towards last quarter of the movie when the American Indians get involved, ramping up (in my eyes) the kitsch factor by another degree or five. First, the Indians are not well portrayed, so it’s sort of hackneyed. Then you have a big showdown with Bronson’s outlaw, Mifune’s samurai and the Indians that have such a quirky culture clash you have to just roll with it. I realize I’m not giving out too many story elements here, but come on. How much do you need? At least the horses don’t have to be kept under 12 knots or they’ll explode. Or whatever.

Another good thing about RED SUN is that there is no Jason Patric.

SOLEIL ROUGE, as it was known in Europe, was released in 1971. It hit the screens in the US in ’72 and quickly disappeared. I think the quirky tale, the dipping interest in the Western and possibly the unknown element of Mifune and the Japanese caused a relative malaise towards the picture. Then again, I don’t know the details of its release schedule or promotions. Someone else might recall as I wasn’t around at that point.

This site, http://fistfulofcult.blogspot.com/2009/09/film-red-sun-1971.html has a great review and some story details if you’re interested in more than I’m going to give. Also, YouTube has the full movie here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuVVskrIlg0 for your viewing pleasure. The opening titles and credits are not English, but you can deal. It’s also available on DVD or on Amazon Prime, you can go search out those yourself, if you’re that interested. I can say that your money and time are much better spent on this flick than anything having to do with SPEED 2 or Jan de Bont.

In review: Bronson. Mifune. Terence Young. Culture clash. Awesome, neglected fun. If SPEED 2 has a factor rating of Zero Knots, RED SUN would have a factor rating of 65. Again, your mileage may differ, but you know damned well which is better.

Next up, more positive vibes.