Speed 2 Month Day 14: Deathstalker

Positive week is over, so we are pulling out all the weapons at A Leaf on the Wind for the next leg of Speed 2 Month, including a lovely bladed nasty from 1983 that made schlock film master Roger Corman quite happy, I believe. Let’s just get right down into the muck and filth, delve into the sword and sorcery genre and then laugh at how a micro-budgeted movie can put SPEED 2 to shame.

In 1982, Arnold Schwarzenegger blew up the silver screen with his role as the well-known sword and sorcery character, Conan the Barbarian. With the movie of the same name pulling in some respectable numbers at the box office, a slew of copycat, ride-the-coattails films began to find their way to the screen, with one of the most notable being DEATHSTALKER.

Roger Corman is a man that knows how to make money off movies, regardless of positing how good or bad they may be. He’s made some classic films in very short time with extremely tiny budgets, almost claiming a whole segment of film just for himself. Even he saw the potential in jumping on the Conan bandwagon, getting a team to Argentina, filming and releasing the picture less than a year after the Barbarian bowed. To say it was a successful venture would almost be tautological, if you were to know the details. A brief synopsis of the movie needs to be done before knowing those details, though.

Deathstalker is a well-known adventurer and sell sword. He is hired to locate three items of power, two of which are held by a sorcerer who will likely use them to Rule the World. The first item Deathstalker locates is a rather large sword, which means the other two items, a chalice and an amulet, are held by the naughty sorcerer. Along the way he gathers a group of allies, fights in a tournament of battles, wins, destroys the objects of power and has the sorcerer killed. There’re also a whole lot of boobies, sex and blood – it is a Corman production, you see. That’s about all you need to know, because that’s about all there is: a simple plot, likeable characters and sex. Don’t ask why he’s called Deathstalker, I don’t think you ever discover that. It’s Just Not Important.

Corman went uncredited for this, likely to keep the cost down. The entire movie was made for under 500K and went on to make around 11 million in the states. It’s likely the addition of former Playboy Playmate and Hugh Hefner arm candy, Barbie Benton, drew many of the viewers. What did draw were newcomer Lana Clarkson and her ability to wield a sword and look good doing it in a thong and bikini top through most of the movie. Sex sells, it’s said, and it sure did here. In fact, DEATHSTALKER not only spawned three direct sequels, Lana Clarkson reprised her role in BARBARIAN QUEEN and its sequel! Now that’s some powerful repetitive business.

Fantasy movies are generally poorly done. In fact, most are downright bad. In the early-to-mid 80’s, there were quite a few released to some small success, mostly as hourly repetitious airings on cable television. DEATHSTALKER is not a good movie. It’s watchable though, and it’s likely there’s a college drinking game coinciding with the amount of beheadings, rape or boobies that crop up in it, or the sequels. I’m not even sure I could recommend any of the Deathstalker series or the spinoff Barbarian Queen movies without feeling like a jackass. It’s just… no matter how bad they got, and the third Deathstalker movie would probably make you claw your own skin off, eat it, shit it out and then eat it again just for spite (or insanity)… they are all a better time than SPEED 2. Remember, SPEED 2 was 121 minutes long, where NONE of the Deathstalker films are more than 85 minutes. Shorter is sometimes better, particularly here.

Also, the third Deathstalker movie, DEATHSTALKER AND THE WARRIORS FROM HELL, was hilariously lambasted on an episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000, which SPEED 2 never was, oddly enough. It makes you wonder if even Jason Patric was too crappy for that show.

Come back tomorrow for an extra special day at A Leaf on the Wind, and Speed 2 Month. You won’t hate me for it.

Speed 2 Month Day 11: Faceless Fiends

Positive week is coming to a close and as it has been difficult maintaining a positive outlook in comparing other horrible movies to SPEED 2, the topics have been weak, at best. It is important to show the how execrable a creation this movie is in the history of filmmaking, so I will continue to do my best in a positive light, at least for two more days. To take a cue from the first day of a week of positives, I’m going to dig back into the annals of B movie madness, with 1958’s FIEND WITHOUT A FACE.

I was introduced to FIEND WITHOUT A FACE around 1990, by a coworker we’ll call… Alec Pectin. (If he ever reads this and sees the name I gave him, I hope he recalls it.) Alec was surprised that I’d never seen it, considering the plethora of crappy 50’s B-flicks I was aware of, and knew well. F W/O A F I not only didn’t know, I’d never even heard of it! A trek to my favorite local rental place was happy to inform me that not only did they have it; they had a new copy on VHS for me to see. After my viewing, I returned it – and promptly ordered myself a copy. It was wonderfully, beautifully, pointedly gross and disgusting. I loved it.

FIEND WITHOUT A FACE is a silly tale of a nuclear testing and a science experiment gone mad, with locals dying from mysterious punctures to the base of the neck. When the residents demand answers, they send an Air Force investigator to get to the bottom of the deaths, which escalate when they start occurring at the air base nearby. The “fiends”, initially invisible, draw on the power of the nuclear testing and become visible, and horrifically terrorize in both modes. The fiends end up looking like disembodied brains with attached tails of spinal cords, tiny eyestalks and whipcrack attacks. Fun, right? Watch it, turn up the volume and revel in the sound effects. It’ll disturb and disgust you, and you’ll love every second of it. Black and white stop motion at its best!

The star of F W/O A F is “Canada’s Greatest Actor”, Marshall Thompson. Thompson became a household name for all of five minutes with CLARENCE THE CROSS-EYED LION and the television series DAKTARI! The handsome and imitable actor pretty much was the driving force on screen, handling the insane story, terrible sets and special effects with an ease unlike other top-billed B stars of the time. In fact, if Marshall Thompson, in his prime, was to replace Jason Patric in SPEED 2, he would probably have brought some serious credibility to the role. When you consider he willfully allowed an optically impaired lion to steal the show from him… well… you put it together.

F W/O A F was filmed entirely in England, set in Canada and used all Canadian and American actors in England. It made waves on both sides of the Atlantic for the detailed special effects. You have to give a film of this nature high points for the great effects, particularly in sound. It was so repulsive the Brits didn’t even want to show it without an X rating (which meant something completely different in 1958 England than it does in the modern US).

This is what I said in my old article, 15 Short Film Reviews (that are better than Speed 2): “Starring Canada's greatest actor, Marshall Thompson, this phenomenal black and white horror/sci-fi stunner has some of the most disgusting and grotesque sound effects from any movie.  That says much, considering the budget.  Speed 2 had a budget that dwarfed FWaF as the sun dwarfs the Earth, so that alone says we have a better film here.”

Honestly, comparing the two films is not something I would normally do, as I prefer to avoid showing up SPEED 2’s faults with films of a, let’s say, lesser pedigree. Or, more accurately, a lesser intended pedigree. Even so, Marshall Thompson at his absolute worst acts rings around anyone in SPEED 2. Yes, I’m including Willem Defoe in on this.

Day 12 will end positive week, with a look at another movie released in 1997, and a guilty pleasure of mine. Are you ready to… COME OVER HERE!

Speed 2 Month Day 8: Soleil Rouge

Three days off of A Leaf on the Wind and Speed 2 Month have given me great hope and positive reinforcement for the upcoming week. Since Speed 2 Month is really a vicious attack on a poorly designed, thought out and directed piece of film history (as well as full of negative extorting), I’ll attempt to temper it, this coming week at least, with a more upbeat spin. You be the judge as to how well I do.

I don’t recall exactly when I discovered RED SUN. I’m sure it was towards the end of my high school years, when movies of the sort were shown on the local television stations during weekend, non-prime time hours. I don’t believe I had cable at that time, my parents refusing to pay for television service. The Western genre hadn’t been a particular favorite of mine at the time, as most of the movies aired from the time I started watching television to that point were Westerns. Some were good, some my father loved and that I tolerated; some I loathed. It would be some further years before it became a beloved film category.

I know at the time that the DEATH WISH series that Charles Bronson starred in were still going strong, if not completely well thought of, and I was keen on seeing Bronson back in digs I knew him best. I know I missed the title sequence of the film, because I recall hunting for the television guide during a commercial break. I mean, there were Japanese Samurai in this picture! A sword is stolen by a pretty brutal thief (Alain Delon) and… Toshiro Mifune?!? I was hooked almost immediately. I had never heard of a Western that has mixed Japanese and American cultures of the late 19^th century. The David Carradine-driven television series KUNG FU did have a few episodes with Japanese characters, but I didn’t really find a heady interest in that show for many years (again, a program that seemed to bleed off every free moment of local programming… it was overwhelmingly dull to see the same episode every weekend). So here is this movie I’d never heard of, already with two names I’d appreciated in other movies or television features, Bronson and Mifune. The basic plot was simple, the setting bizarre in that there hadn’t been anything like it that I’d seen and I ate it up.

RED SUN was directed by Terence Young, famous for directing DR. NO and FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, the first two James Bond pictures. While RED SUN doesn’t have the same punch as those two films, the chemistry between Bronson and Mifune, who likely had a speech coach for his English, comes off on screen. I’d like to discover more about the creation of this oddball oater, since the personalities involved were quite strong and I’m sure there are some great tales from the set. You think that the story has played out at a point towards last quarter of the movie when the American Indians get involved, ramping up (in my eyes) the kitsch factor by another degree or five. First, the Indians are not well portrayed, so it’s sort of hackneyed. Then you have a big showdown with Bronson’s outlaw, Mifune’s samurai and the Indians that have such a quirky culture clash you have to just roll with it. I realize I’m not giving out too many story elements here, but come on. How much do you need? At least the horses don’t have to be kept under 12 knots or they’ll explode. Or whatever.

Another good thing about RED SUN is that there is no Jason Patric.

SOLEIL ROUGE, as it was known in Europe, was released in 1971. It hit the screens in the US in ’72 and quickly disappeared. I think the quirky tale, the dipping interest in the Western and possibly the unknown element of Mifune and the Japanese caused a relative malaise towards the picture. Then again, I don’t know the details of its release schedule or promotions. Someone else might recall as I wasn’t around at that point.

This site, http://fistfulofcult.blogspot.com/2009/09/film-red-sun-1971.html has a great review and some story details if you’re interested in more than I’m going to give. Also, YouTube has the full movie here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuVVskrIlg0 for your viewing pleasure. The opening titles and credits are not English, but you can deal. It’s also available on DVD or on Amazon Prime, you can go search out those yourself, if you’re that interested. I can say that your money and time are much better spent on this flick than anything having to do with SPEED 2 or Jan de Bont.

In review: Bronson. Mifune. Terence Young. Culture clash. Awesome, neglected fun. If SPEED 2 has a factor rating of Zero Knots, RED SUN would have a factor rating of 65. Again, your mileage may differ, but you know damned well which is better.

Next up, more positive vibes.

Speed 2 Month – Day 2. We are not on cruise control.

The motto of the day at A Leaf of the Wind is “Eternally Hopeful”. Considering the basis of the plot of our focus this month, one would have to be eternally hopeful. In fact, I would propose that any movie that pushes into the budgetary levels of over 100 million dollars and expects profit is ‘eternally hopeful’.

SPEED was released in 1994 and was made with a budget between 25 and 30 million dollars, depending on your source. By the time it had reached the home video market, it’d made in excess of 121 million at the US box office and more than 350 million worldwide. In other words, a hit for the summer release schedule. No matter your personal thoughts of whether or not the movie was worth the ticket price, regardless of personal opinion of Keanu Reeves’ abilities and even if you feel that the bus jump was completely preposterous, the movie made money, surprising many. So, as most movie studios want that fast buck, a sequel was green lit quite quickly, much to the unending chagrin of cinephiles.

I’ll keep it brief, as we have a WHOLE MONTH to go over the intricacies of totalitarian turpitude that is (arguably) the Worst Movie Ever Made. SPEED 2 was released in June of 1997, with a budget between 110 and 160 million dollars, again, depending on sources. Considering the usual budget for a movie where any of it is in water, I’d tend to believe the higher figure. During its run at the US box office, it gathered up a “meager” 48 million dollars, while totaling out at 164 million worldwide. See Hollywood, sometimes you may put a spit shine on shit and hand it to us, but there is a time when the viewing audience says “Fuck you!” rather vehemently. (Insert observation – I sometimes wish that had happened with Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.) Yes, SPEED 2 was a bomb, a complete, utter dud of monumental levels. Sure, it may have seen a better profit than BATTLEFIELD EARTH or the latest Lone Ranger debacle, but man… this crapfest was screaming “Mystery Science Theatre 3000, I am for YOU!” as it hit the first theatre.

I’m digressing.

It’s obvious that the studios were ‘eternally hopeful’ they would have another hit on their hands, as I’m sure most investors would be. Still, SPEED was no STAR WARS, DIE HARD or even a PHANTASM. This was a fairly one-note idea that would really need to be retooled to make it work. The director, Jan de Bont, spent roughly one third of the budget on a spectacular boat collision effect towards the end of the movie that made the bus jump in the first movie not only that much more plausible, but entertaining and exciting as well. It screamed of, “Plot? What plot? We have crashes and ‘splosions for you rubes!” I’m sure they were also hopeful that Jason Patric (best known for THE LOST BOYS, maybe? No?) would supplant popular Keanu, who chose to do CHAIN REACTION over this mess. Hope didn’t hurt, but it surely didn’t help.

Looking at CHAIN REACTION, a forgettable film, but not a bad story, really, (your opinion may vary, of course) if you can follow it. I like the heavy, applied science fiction of it and the multi-faceted characters that lace the detailed plot. O, I’m sure the science is flawed and the fact people wanted Fred Ward to be doing more TREMORS movies than this kept people away, but when isn’t science fiction flawed in some way? In Star Trek, the Enterprise’s warp drive works by smashing matter and anti-matter together in a matrix controlled by a farcical crystal called dilithium. Yup, crashing two diametrically opposed things together to create power sounds so controllable or feasible. Except when it’s possible. I’d watch the movie again to gain some traction on this flawed approach of comparison, but I don’t want to.

CHAIN REACTION was called a “minor financial hit” (if you’re to believe Wikipedia) even though it grossed only about 60 million worldwide off a 50 million dollar budget. It’s my understanding that a movie needs to double its budget to break even, so I’m not sure how that’s possible. Then again, I’m not working in an industry where a set budget could have you buy a piece of Somalia and become a warlord. Is CHAIN REACTION a lesser movie because it didn’t make as much money as SPEED 2? If we were examining only that movie merit is based off box office receipts, then many of my personal favorites would never even chart. I’m certain that would be the same for anyone that watches and enjoys movies.

Eternally hopeful also doesn’t merit much when it comes to movies. THE IRON GIANT died at the box office and ended careers at Warner Brothers because it was hoped to be the great return of Warner’s animation to the big screen. It remains one of my favorite animated movies of all time. It enjoyed a much larger audience after the fact, like many ‘cult’ movies tend to. BLADE RUNNER follows a similar path, if you can believe it. I don’t think SPEED 2 will ever be considered a ‘cult’ movie, or be eternally hopeful on that front. I’ll find a way to remind you all why.

Coming up, HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING and why you should never forget it exists.

15 Short Film Reviews or Why Speed 2 Sucks Like a Dyson Vacuum

Please note: This particular writ was originally pieced together in the wee hours of the morning, October 23rd, 2008. I thought it had merit then and still do now. It also fits within the SPEED 2 Month of July De-celebration. Enjoy.

Film 1:  Fiend Without a Face
Starring Canada's greatest actor, Marshall Thompson, this phenomenal black and white horror/sci-fi stunner has some of the most disgusting and grotesque sound effects from any movie.  That says much, considering the budget.  Speed 2 had a budget that dwarfed FWaF as the sun dwarfs the Earth, so that alone says we have a better film here.
Film 2:  Silent Running
A seventies orphan, this overly hippie-like science fiction stars Bruce Dern in almost a solo role.  As he is an actor of repute (The 'Burbs notwithstanding), that alone would make it a worthy opponent of Speed 2.  Fortunately, the story is well thought out and makes you care for robots that don't speak or make much sound.  Eat your heart out, Star Wars nerds.
Film 3:  The Gamers
A newer indie movie, this one slays the role playing game nerd, his views and living at home with mama.  Not a great movie at all, but still has humorous moments and some real actors interspersed through the rookies.  It also moves at a faster pace than the entirety of Speed 2, making it a fairly superior movie just for that.
Film 4:  Heavy Metal
Ah, Heavy Metal.  The first time I ever saw animated boobs.  Kudos to that, you get high marks and a rating that puts Speed 2 and its poor domestic take to greater shame.
Film 5:  Flying Guillotine
This Chinese masterpiece probably has thirteen other titles, but this is how I saw it for the first time.  I'm no cinemaphile to the degree I know everything that the Hong Kong movie studios ever did, but wow... a headless corpse can do better at acting than Jason Patric in Speed 2.  Watch both, you'll agree.
Film 6:  Jabberwocky
One of the many films done by members of the Monty Python crew that technically isn't Monty Python.  It is also not a great movie.  It is, however, better than Speed 2 just in the idiocy of Michael Palin's lead character, rather than the idiocy of a poor script, poor planning, poor acting, poor science...
Film 7:  Death Race 2000
Probably the first real "cult hit" movie on the list, as well as a Roger Corman classic.  Corman doesn't always hit it well, but when he does, he hits like a cruise ship into a dockside of people, buildings and businesses.  Just a lot faster and more destructive than the one in Speed 2.
Film 8:  The Phantom
By this one I do mean the Billy Zane film adapting the comic strip character.  There have been other interpretations of the Phantom but this one, while not remarkable in a host of ways, is the best.  Not only that, but when Treat Williams is better in a movie than Willem Dafoe, that should ring alarms.  Hm.  Maybe Speed 2 needed Billy Zane?
Film 9:  UHF
Weird Al Yankovic trumps even the first Speed movie.  Unless of course, they make a Speed 3.
Film 10:  Eraserhead
Oh, come on.  It's David Lynch!
Film 11:  Night of the Lepus
"Giant" bunnies attacking a town and kicking aside the (toy) railroad tracks make for better movies than Sandra Bullock trying to stop a cruise ship from... what was she doing in Speed 2?  Anyone?
Film 12:  Red Sun
I absolutely love this movie, which alone would make it on a different list from this one, but it's not on DVD and Speed 2 is, so there's your trump.  Red Sun, a weird western tale with Toshiro Mifune and Chuck Bronson that's NOT ON DVD is better than Speed 2. (Update: Red Sun was available on DVD, briefly, at about the time this was written. I still have yet to locate a copy. Even so, I'll keep it on the list just to add insult to injury.)
Film 13:  Burnt Offerings
Honestly, I don't remember much about this one except as a kid, I was too scared not to watch.  Certain scenes stick with me, as they scared me and a best friend at the time to the point of giggles.  I think the only thing in Speed 2 that made me giggle is when I turned the volume on and listened to the dialogue.
Film 14:  Godzilla versus Mothra
Godzilla is better than Jason Patric's pout, hence this entry on the list.  Godzilla made more money, too.
Film 15:  The Corsican Brothers
Cheech and Chong at their absolute worst!  An unfunny, unrelenting bore of a movie with bad, bad, BAD jokes.  And yet, it laughs at Speed 2 because it's a better film.  The costume designer alone would beat Speed 2 and the speedos seen in it.  Ugh!
And there you have it, fifteen movies better than Speed 2.  I highly recommend all of the above as good popcorn digesters, rather than wasting time and money on the viciously awful on the eyes and ears Speed 2.  Didn't think I could do it?  I may do it again with another 15.  Hope you liked it... I know a guy named John that did.