Technically, Speed 2 Month should be done during June, if I
were to go with release dates. I chose to ignore that detail and utilize the
lengthier month of July to posit my belligerent missives to you loyal,
gradually learning readers. I don’t think it’s necessary to blight the lovely
month of June every year with a rememberance of the hideousness of SPEED 2, so
who knows if I’ll return to June in 2015 or not. Either way, this is the final
installment of Speed 2 Month for 2014, seventeen years after the eponymous
movie was crapped across America. What have we learned since the month began?
1)
Jason Patric looks like Zoolander when he “acts”.
2)
Jan de Bont is a moron.
3)
20th Century Fox took a bath on this
heap of offal.
4)
Many, many, many things are better than SPEED 2.
5)
John Amenta may have forgiven me for this
continuously aggressive attack on a stupid movie he may have enjoyed, but
likely hasn’t for calling Bill Parcells’ tenure on the Dallas Cowboys “akin to a
SPEED 2 career move”.
6)
I dislike Kevin Smith quite a bit.
7)
HIGHLANDER 2 should be acknowledged, but for
reasons other than any merit.
8)
If you put George Lucas and Kevin Smith in a
room together, would there be enough oxygen left to let Nic Cage breathe?
9)
A Leaf on the Wind cannot do math – the average
of the reported budget differences on SPEED 2 is quite a bit higher than 85
million – and none of you caught it.
10)
Other than the initial Day 1 commentary to spark
off the month, Day 26 (Prequels Fucking Suck Dirty Balls) got the most hits,
which either shows you’re all a bunch of Star Wars haters, you like swears or
you just liked the title. Even so, the most “liked” column compared to views
was Day 8, “Soleil Rouge”. Star power of Charles Bronson, I’m thinking.
I
would hope that if nothing else, you’ve gotten yourself a good, hearty laugh at
Mr. Amenta and my own moronic blather of what makes a good movie. It’s all
subjective, unless you’re some sort of fascist and need to tell me things like
why the Lord of the Rings films are better than the books. Or why I ‘NEED TO WATCH GAME OF THRONES’. I don’t,
so shut the fuck up. Go back to your idiot box. Also, go look at your movie
collection. If you’re that guy that owns a copy of SPEED 2 and not SPEED… I
just pity you. I’m looking at you, John Amenta.
To
finish off the month, I’m reposting the original Speed 2 blog post I did o so
long ago. Enjoy it and be back in 2015 for more SPEED 2!
15 Short Film Reviews or Why Speed 2 Sucks Like a
Dyson Vacuum
(Originally
posted 10/22/2008)
Film 1: Fiend Without a Face
Starring Canada's greatest actor, Marshall Thompson, this phenomenal black and white horror/sci-fi stunner has some of the most disgusting and grotesque sound effects from any movie. That says much, considering the budget. Speed 2 had a budget that dwarfed FWaF as the sun dwarfs the Earth, so that alone says we have a better film here.
Film 2: Silent Running
A seventies orphan, this overly hippie-like science fiction stars Bruce Dern in almost a solo role. As he is an actor of repute (The 'Burbs notwithstanding), that alone would make it a worthy opponent of Speed 2. Fortunately, the story is well thought out and makes you care for robots that don't speak or make much sound. Eat your heart out, Star Wars nerds.
Film 3: The Gamers
A newer indie movie, this one slays the role playing game nerd, his views and living at home with mama. Not a great movie at all, but still has humorous moments and some real actors interspersed through the rookies. It also moves at a faster pace than the entirety of Speed 2, making it a fairly superior movie just for that.
Film 4: Heavy Metal
Ah, Heavy Metal. The first time I ever saw animated boobs. Kudos to that, you get high marks and a rating that puts Speed 2 and its poor domestic take to greater shame.
Film 5: Flying Guillotine
This Chinese masterpiece probably has thirteen other titles, but this is how I saw it for the first time. I'm no cinemaphile to the degree I know everything that the Hong Kong movie studios ever did, but wow... a headless corpse can do better at acting than Jason Patric in Speed 2. Watch both, you'll agree.
Film 6: Jabberwocky
One of the many films done by members of the Monty Python crew that technically isn't Monty Python. It is also not a great movie. It is, however, better than Speed 2 just in the idiocy of Michael Palin's lead character, rather than the idiocy of a poor script, poor planning, poor acting, poor science...
Film 7: Death Race 2000
Probably the first real "cult hit" movie on the list, as well as a Roger Corman classic. Corman doesn't always hit it well, but when he does, he hits like a cruise ship into a dockside of people, buildings and businesses. Just a lot faster and more destructive than the one in Speed 2.
Film 8: The Phantom
By this one I do mean the Billy Zane film adapting the comic strip character. There have been other interpretations of the Phantom but this one, while not remarkable in a host of ways, is the best. Not only that, but when Treat Williams is better in a movie than Willem Dafoe, that should ring alarms. Hm. Maybe Speed 2 needed Billy Zane?
Film 9: UHF
Weird Al Yankovic trumps even the first Speed movie. Unless of course, they make a Speed 3.
Film 10: Eraserhead
Oh, come on. It's David Lynch!
Film 11: Night of the Lepus
"Giant" bunnies attacking a town and kicking aside the (toy) railroad tracks make for better movies than Sandra Bullock trying to stop a cruise ship from... what was she doing in Speed 2? Anyone?
Film 12: Red Sun
I absolutely love this movie, which alone would make it on a different list from this one, but it's not on DVD and Speed 2 is, so there's your trump. Red Sun, a weird western tale with Toshiro Mifune and Chuck Bronson that's NOT ON DVD is better than Speed 2.
Film 13: Burnt Offerings
Honestly, I don't remember much about this one except as a kid, I was too scared not to watch. Certain scenes stick with me, as they scared me and a best friend at the time to the point of giggles. I think the only thing in Speed 2 that made me giggle is when I turned the volume on and listened to the dialogue.
Film 14: Godzilla versus Mothra
Godzilla is better than Jason Patric's pout, hence this entry on the list. Godzilla made more money, too.
Film 15: The Corsican Brothers
Cheech and Chong at their absolute worst! An unfunny, unrelenting bore of a movie with bad, bad, BAD jokes. And yet, it laughs at Speed 2 because it's a better film. The costume designer alone would beat Speed 2 and the speedos seen in it. Ugh!
And there you have it, fifteen movies better than Speed 2. I highly recommend all of the above as good popcorn digesters, rather than wasting time and money on the viciously awful on the eyes and ears Speed 2. Didn't think I could do it? I may do it again with another 15. Hope you liked it... I know a guy named John that did.
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