To get the personal opinion of A Leaf on the Wind out there
up front, Kevin Smith is universally disliked in almost all ways possible. To
spend even one added day on watching one of his vile, boring, senselessly
stupid films on SPEED 2 Month is akin to salt on an open wound. Regardless,
watching TUSK was not as terrible as expected. To give readers the proper feel
for anything Kevin Smith oriented, this portion of the blog was delayed, as are
most of his projects.
TUSK began, of all oddball origins, as a discussion on Smith’s
podcast. If you’re brave enough to finish the movie into the credit roll, you
can hear a portion of the podcast incorporating some of the story elements that
ended up on screen. Considering these, uh, humble beginnings, you almost have
to give Smith some kind of credit for getting this clunker distributed to
theaters at all. TUSK feels, almost immediately, as though it was written by a
bunch of high school stoners on a lengthy binge. You can actually spot the
scenes that Smith and his cronies thought were really funny while waving away
the smoke from their giggling faces, as most of them fall as flat as a stoner
joke would. The meat of the story is sublimely dumb, on a level that puts MEET
THE FEEBLES to shame. In fact, if SPEED 2 weren’t a derivative of an earlier
story, it might even put it to shame, it’s so dumb!
TUSK stars Justin Long (yeah, that guy) as an incredibly
dislikable podcasting schmuck with a horrible porn-stache. His whole shtick is
humiliating people on his Howard Stern styled show, which he hosts with his
less annoying friend and partner, played by Haley Joel Osment. Poor Haley Joel
isn’t as cute as he was in A.I: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE since he got old and
out of shape, but his character is only moderately less dislikable than Long’s.
The story takes Long up to Manitoba, Canada, to interview some kid who
accidentally cut his own leg off while playing with a katana and had a video of
it uploaded to the internet. By the time Long gets up there, pissing off
Canadians wherever he goes, the kid has killed himself, leaving Long with no
reason to be in the Great White North. He stumbles across an ad posted at a
townie bar and responds to it to get something out of his trip. He meets with
an odd, elderly character played, with some conviction mind you, by Michael
Parks. Parks tells Long some incredibly wild and interesting tales, in which
Long continues to act like a total fuckwit. I doubt Kevin Smith was hoping
anyone would feel sympathy for what Long’s character would be going through,
but to make him so horrid does not help the film by the conclusion.
Parks’ character eventually drugs Long’s and begins to
remove bits of him as he tells him that he intends to turn him into a walrus,
an animal he believes to be the most noble of creatures. Also, he’s certifiable
and a sadist, just to add some spice. Of course, back at home, Long’s character’s
girlfriend and Osment begin to get worried when Long leaves a cryptic message
for them on their cellphones. They take off for Canada, in search of him when
he doesn’t respond to repeated messages. They’re also involved in an affair, as
Long is a total douche to his girlfriend, played by the interesting Genesis
Rodriguez, who I’ve seen in a number of films recently – in fact, all related
to SPEED 2 Month. Is it a bad thing I haven’t brought her up until now? No.
Rodriguez is quite attractive and can pull off a number of vocal distinctions
that should keep her employed for an admirable career. She has a rather
heartfelt scene that feels so out of place in this movie that you can only be
impressed with her devotion to her craft, if not the role.
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| More than just a purty face |
Rodriguez and Osment eventually connect with “Guy LaPointe”,
a disguised Johnny Depp playing a character that’s been hunting Parks for some
years. The three eventually track down where Parks is, discover what he’s done
to Long and are able to… rescue Long. Long though, has likely been driven
insane by his transformation into the most ridiculous man-made walrus costume
ever, complete with porn-stache. Long in his “Mr. Tusk” form is left at a zoo
so Osment and Rodriguez can visit. End of fucked up, stoner story.
There are a number of things about TUSK that are to be
admired. One is that the movie actually got funding, proving that nothing in
America is impossible, especially if it’s a fucking stupid idea. Kevin Smith, If
your hero is not Ron Popeil, you’re a bigger, fatter dumbass than I believe you
to be. The acting from Rodriguez and Parks is to be commended above and beyond,
considering the material they were working with. Nearly every scene with Parks
is a transcendent experience, in which I have to agree with Smith: one could
listen to him read the phone book and be entranced. There are a few mildly
amusing parts, mostly from a scene between Depp and Parks that ends with a
sinister tone that belies the entire film. Tonal shifts are a big part of TUSK,
which are either to be loved or hated, depending on your experience. I’ll give
Smith some credit for the attempt, but nothing more.
TUSK is a dumb movie. Really dumb. The viewer needs to turn
off their brain, or just watch it stoned, as Smith intended. Since I won’t do
either, I’ll just inform those that haven’t seen it how stupid the film is. It’s
Adam Sandler at his worst stupid. If the movie has any redeeming quality beyond
some of the performances, it might be that you could get yourself a contact
high off it, it’s that befouled with cannabis. And yet, it cannot topple SPEED
2 from the lofty perch at the top of the shitheap. Kevin Smith, you’ve outdone
yourself. Even you are not quite as bad as Jan de Bont. Regardless, your movies
still suck.
Tomorrow, another sequel to compare.
While TUSK has podcasting as a base for story and is part of
the plot, A Leaf on the Wind would like to direct you to From the Hip, the best
podcast of inanity since Chevy Chase fell off a chair. Go listen now!
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