Speed 2 Month Day 17: Bite Your Tongue

The inspiration for Speed 2 Month goes back some years, to a long-forgotten day at a long-forgotten comic book store, in a town where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day was not recognized until forced to by law in April of 2000. I was likely standing around, kvetching like the rest of the customers, as if we were in some poor interpretation of a Kevin Smith product. (And therein lays another day of upcoming chatter.) One of my fellow comic-buying buds rolled in, joined in the conversation and then the Great and Wonderful Thing happened: I mentioned how lowbrow SPEED 2 is as a film, and he mentioned how he “liked it”. I probably go apoplectic once every few years, without much incident. I don’t think I’ll ever feel my eyes bulge as much as I did then, even when watching something incredibly impossible in porn.

My friend, yes, I can still call him that, even after continuing, every year, to make sure he never, ever, ever, ever ever ever ever ever, forgets that he “liked” SPEED 2, is named John Amenta. He’s agreed to allow me to publicly shame him here, probably because he’s got some damned thick skin. You have to be when you grow up reading comics. I know. He’s likely also getting a few good laughs at the movies I like and he doesn’t, but that’s neither here nor there – we all have assholes, we all have opinions. Some are stronger than others… assholes and opinions. I’ve never disagreed more vehemently with him on a movie, or likely anything else. Polarizing views in comic books are well defined at the stores, as well as the fans. The same can be said for movies, which are typically held in much higher regard than that of comics, which are still fighting for the recognition as a truly unique art form. Still, no matter what you think of comics or film, SPEED 2  is the largest waste of talent (both good and bad), money, materials and time ever put to celluloid, tape, digital disc or the cheapest print possible. It is my belief that to move beyond these massive budget clunkers, you have to be made aware of them, never forget them, never ever forget them, so they can be bettered.

I make it no secret that I prefer character driven tales, whether or not they’re action, sci-fi, fantasy or biographical. I like original stories more than adaptations, though some adaptations do tend to really play off well on the big screen. I don’t have a problem with movies that create a busketload of continuing sequels or spinoffs, the “franchise” label that Hollywood has given these films, but most are pretty dull and derivative. I make it no secret that I’m a massive fan of good directors, such as Sam Peckinpah, Akira Kurosawa or Wes Anderson. I sometimes feel that Hollywood is like the government. Stop taking my money, telling me it’s for the best, and giving me a right drubbing while laughing because you can! It’s due to that repetitive action I do things such as this.

I also do it because it’s funny. It is still funny, isn’t it, John?

So there you go, that’s basically the reasons I keep up this silliness. It’s edutainment at its filthy best. Tomorrow, more on genre, I think. Something like that. Like today, it has less swearing in it. I’m calming down until the next pile of dung to talk about.

“I like SPEED 2.” Pffft. Dork.