15 Life Experiences Better Than the 121 Minutes of Speed 2

SPEED 2 Month continues! This is an edited version of an earlier weblog I wrote on November 13th, 2008. Enjoy the deepening feeling you get likened to the one felt near the end of SPEED 2.

1.  Carny Fist vs. Axe vs. Lawn rake Fight
Until you see this for your own eyes, you'll know that only Speed 2 can beat this experience.  That or watching your cat dig in the litter box.  Yes, you must live next to or near Carny folk to see it... my place, the affectionately titled Hovelhouse is available for sublet.
2.  Hawk vs. Opossum
I witnessed some kind of hawk pick an opossum off the road one early morning while working for a newspaper some time ago.  This stuck with me as only an event like it could.  Speed 2 reminds me of the possible 120 other things I could have seen during them like this hawk and this opossum.
3.  Beer-drinking Ho-bags

Go back, read the post titled the above, then come back here.  Beer-drinking ho-bags are worth more of my time than the wasted 121 minutes Jan de Bont (the director, remember that name) subjected me to. (Feel free to request the weblog mentioned here. I'll even update it.)

4.  Rubbing Alcohol vs. Grease
I spent the better part of a morning last week cleaning grease off a concrete floor with rubbing alcohol.  It was better time spent than the 30 seconds of comedy I graciously give Speed 2.
5.  Saab Dying on the Highway
On a wintery Saint Patrick's Day, my beloved Saab decided to blow a transmission on my way to Hartford.  I missed most of the Fighting Gollarny Brothers, most of the $1.06 breakfast and had to have my car towed away.  Still, I met a hot female trooper that would have made Jason Patric think twice about doing Speed 2.  Oops... guess he never met her.
6.  Late Nights at the Mohegan Sun Casino
Full of the worst of the worst boozers, hounds and characteristically indecent folk, the casinos of Connecticut tend to drop in quality of personality after 11 PM.  Watch the newly 21 year old college kids chase the underage girls!  Watch the gambling addicts rub their chips together and chase the underage girls!  Watch the underage girls shirk their parents and try to gamble!  I could go on and on, kind of like Speed 2 does when the ship hits, oh, what was it, 6 knots?
7.  Ricky Martin's Bon Bons

Uh... even the Spanish women I worked with thought he was gay.  Supposedly he isn't, but I think I saw a picture of Jason Patric's pouty lips in his dressing area. (Update: He is and they were right.)

8.  President George W. Bush
In retrospect, he wasn't that bad.  Seriously, compare him to Speed 2 and you'll see what I mean.
9.  Players, Player Haters and Pimps Party
AKA the Triple P Party or PPP Party, it was notorious as being the one to almost kill my Memorial Day bashes.  While it was disaterous in almost all possible ways, it doesn't come close to the disaster Speed 2 was to most involved.  Pirate Party followed up the PPP Party and killed any thought of eliminating the bashes.  Where is Speed 3?
10.  Girl Drama
I'd rather sit through days and weeks and months of girl drama than watch the endless scene of the boat hitting the dockside in Speed 2 again.  Then again, I have.  You girls can substitute this for Guy Drama, if you wish.
11.  Moosehead Beer

To date, the worst "beer" I've ever had.  I'll drink a six pack the next time I'm swayed to MST3K Speed 2.  It may even add to the experience... for all. (ohhh... I forgot about this. I wonder if I still can get Moosehead for the big review coming?)

12.  Dan Didio at DC Comics

For those that don't read comics, Dan Didio, the Didiot, is single-handedly slaughtering the DC Comics characters such as Superman, Wonder Woman and Batman.  His inane ideas and "editing policies" have made the majority of the titles published there unreadable and unrecognizeable.  In short, they are marginally better than the filmed script of Speed 2.  Trust me when I say that ain't much. (Coming soon: Sir Jon vs. DCNu!)

13.  New Coke

Truly, this shortsighted, bone-headed move is an irrevocable case of misunderstanding your market.  It tasted like sweetened Pepsi and was not all it was meant to be.  Speed 2, well you get the analogy.  New Coke is a much more positive experience as it solidified the now-titled Coke Classic as a force of consumer power.  Speed 2, not so much.
14.  C-Span 2

A sequel of one of the most boring cable networks on the air beats out a big-budget movie sequel?  Hell yes, it does!  C-Span 2 dares to do what few cable networks would, show the absolute drudgery of American, British, Canadian and statewide politics, author panels and discussions and bad morning radio (on cable!).  Speed 2 dared to make you pay for it.  Which do you think is better?

15.  Scrubbing Mold From the Shower
I hate it, but it gives a small sense of satisfaction that only breaking a copy of Speed 2 could beat.  Now, there's a thought!