Speed 2 Month day 3: Why Highlander 2 needs to be remembered

To me, there is no other movie worse than Speed 2. I’m hoping most people that know me, or at least have started to read these since the first day of Speed 2 Month, are aware of that. That isn’t to say that this terrible movie hasn’t been challenged for the top (bottom?) spot, or that it won’t lose in the future, because, let’s face it, Hollywood hasn’t done much but challenge the shitpile for some time now. Sometime during Speed 2 Month I’ll go over the movie that very nearly stole the title away – INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL. Today though, I’m going to take a look at HIGHLANDER 2, sometimes known as THE QUICKENING, a veritable attack on the senses of fans and viewers alike.

HIGHLANDER, that kooky, cross-casting fantasy movie from former music video director Russell Mulcahy came out in 1986 and took the movie viewing audience by storm. No, really. It did. I mean, you remember when it came out, right? All right, so it tanked at the box office. Still, it blew up the home video market and due to its broad tale, curious, inventive casting and great music, spawned legions of fans. It also spawned a series of spinoff movies, television shows and other media, many of which fall into the “terrible idea” category. The first being HIGHLANDER 2, a woefully inept attempt at making money off the coattails of the earlier movie, which makes me feel as if I’m being mean to the words “woefully” and “inept”.

HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING is so bad it’s practically unwatchable. It makes you wonder what Mulcahy was thinking when he was directing the mess of a script. Not only does the story completely undermine the brilliance of the first movie, you feel as if it just got killed and raped on screen before you – in that order. The truth of it is most people would rather pluck their own eyes out with a spork than watch this explosive degeneration of film artistry. Still, it has merits.

I can tell you’re all bwah-ha-ha’s and guffaws. How can a movie, considered by many critics and reviewers all across the world to be the Worst Ever Made, have merit? Simple. Doubling a movie’s budget does not mean it’ll be successful. Slapping your stars in ironclad contracts will do one of two things: some will act as they always do, performing their best because they’re professionals or they may just “phone it in” and showcase their complete disdain for whatever is being filmed at the time. You’ll find both in this movie; I’ll let you decide who is who (Virginia Madsen doesn’t count, she’s just awful in everything). See the merit yet? Okay, to go one further, and this is the obvious bit of it: this is the bottom of the fucking shit barrel. Something, somewhere has got to be better, right? Go out and watch that instead! Quit thinking every sequel is going to get you what GODFATHER 2 or THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK delivered.

By now you’re thinking that I’ve already found my replacement for SPEED 2 as the worst of the worst. I refute that, for a few reasons. One of which is the way SPEED 2 was marketed to the viewer. It was held up as the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER! (Cue fireworks) Watch! See! Pay scads of money for a great time! And all that. Its budget was also in excess of 100 million, which Highlander 2 didn’t even get close to, including after releasing at least two other versions, just to try and smoothe over the ruffled feathers of fans, the director and humanity at large. Small studios don’t get the dressing down that the larger ones do, and that’s due to their horrid marketing goons. Every single one of them should get MY yearly salary and do the job they’re supposed to do, just to see how different they work. Schmucks. A second reason HIGHLANDER 2 stands higher than SPEED 2? Sean Connery. He trumps Jason Patric any day. Even in a ZARDOZ costume.

Crap does have merit if you know where to look. Imperiously, SPEED 2 will never have merit. Not even in Canada.

For the upcoming holiday, I’ll show off some superheroic chops with a Captain America zinger that struck J.D. Salinger to hide from a whole different side of the media.

Speed 2 Month – Day 2. We are not on cruise control.

The motto of the day at A Leaf of the Wind is “Eternally Hopeful”. Considering the basis of the plot of our focus this month, one would have to be eternally hopeful. In fact, I would propose that any movie that pushes into the budgetary levels of over 100 million dollars and expects profit is ‘eternally hopeful’.

SPEED was released in 1994 and was made with a budget between 25 and 30 million dollars, depending on your source. By the time it had reached the home video market, it’d made in excess of 121 million at the US box office and more than 350 million worldwide. In other words, a hit for the summer release schedule. No matter your personal thoughts of whether or not the movie was worth the ticket price, regardless of personal opinion of Keanu Reeves’ abilities and even if you feel that the bus jump was completely preposterous, the movie made money, surprising many. So, as most movie studios want that fast buck, a sequel was green lit quite quickly, much to the unending chagrin of cinephiles.

I’ll keep it brief, as we have a WHOLE MONTH to go over the intricacies of totalitarian turpitude that is (arguably) the Worst Movie Ever Made. SPEED 2 was released in June of 1997, with a budget between 110 and 160 million dollars, again, depending on sources. Considering the usual budget for a movie where any of it is in water, I’d tend to believe the higher figure. During its run at the US box office, it gathered up a “meager” 48 million dollars, while totaling out at 164 million worldwide. See Hollywood, sometimes you may put a spit shine on shit and hand it to us, but there is a time when the viewing audience says “Fuck you!” rather vehemently. (Insert observation – I sometimes wish that had happened with Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.) Yes, SPEED 2 was a bomb, a complete, utter dud of monumental levels. Sure, it may have seen a better profit than BATTLEFIELD EARTH or the latest Lone Ranger debacle, but man… this crapfest was screaming “Mystery Science Theatre 3000, I am for YOU!” as it hit the first theatre.

I’m digressing.

It’s obvious that the studios were ‘eternally hopeful’ they would have another hit on their hands, as I’m sure most investors would be. Still, SPEED was no STAR WARS, DIE HARD or even a PHANTASM. This was a fairly one-note idea that would really need to be retooled to make it work. The director, Jan de Bont, spent roughly one third of the budget on a spectacular boat collision effect towards the end of the movie that made the bus jump in the first movie not only that much more plausible, but entertaining and exciting as well. It screamed of, “Plot? What plot? We have crashes and ‘splosions for you rubes!” I’m sure they were also hopeful that Jason Patric (best known for THE LOST BOYS, maybe? No?) would supplant popular Keanu, who chose to do CHAIN REACTION over this mess. Hope didn’t hurt, but it surely didn’t help.

Looking at CHAIN REACTION, a forgettable film, but not a bad story, really, (your opinion may vary, of course) if you can follow it. I like the heavy, applied science fiction of it and the multi-faceted characters that lace the detailed plot. O, I’m sure the science is flawed and the fact people wanted Fred Ward to be doing more TREMORS movies than this kept people away, but when isn’t science fiction flawed in some way? In Star Trek, the Enterprise’s warp drive works by smashing matter and anti-matter together in a matrix controlled by a farcical crystal called dilithium. Yup, crashing two diametrically opposed things together to create power sounds so controllable or feasible. Except when it’s possible. I’d watch the movie again to gain some traction on this flawed approach of comparison, but I don’t want to.

CHAIN REACTION was called a “minor financial hit” (if you’re to believe Wikipedia) even though it grossed only about 60 million worldwide off a 50 million dollar budget. It’s my understanding that a movie needs to double its budget to break even, so I’m not sure how that’s possible. Then again, I’m not working in an industry where a set budget could have you buy a piece of Somalia and become a warlord. Is CHAIN REACTION a lesser movie because it didn’t make as much money as SPEED 2? If we were examining only that movie merit is based off box office receipts, then many of my personal favorites would never even chart. I’m certain that would be the same for anyone that watches and enjoys movies.

Eternally hopeful also doesn’t merit much when it comes to movies. THE IRON GIANT died at the box office and ended careers at Warner Brothers because it was hoped to be the great return of Warner’s animation to the big screen. It remains one of my favorite animated movies of all time. It enjoyed a much larger audience after the fact, like many ‘cult’ movies tend to. BLADE RUNNER follows a similar path, if you can believe it. I don’t think SPEED 2 will ever be considered a ‘cult’ movie, or be eternally hopeful on that front. I’ll find a way to remind you all why.

Coming up, HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING and why you should never forget it exists.

SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL MONTH!

It came to me not a few weeks past that I was neglecting my Speed 2 duties, in that I was not reminding all those in earshot that some things are best left alone. Here at A Leaf on the Wind, there has been a Speed 2 month in the past. I'm reviving it, with more than just focus on film -- bad, perceived to be bad, or otherwise.

Starting tomorrow, I'll investigate the 15 Movies Better than Speed 2 column I wrote some years ago, when Myspace was all the rage. Remember Myspace? It died as quickly as Jason Patric's career after Speed 2 was pulled from theatres. I'll cover the 15 movies periodically through the month, with some other aspects of what I deem the worst movie ever made (that I've seen). If you think anything Uwe Boll has ever produced is worse that Speed 2, you're missing the point, which will be gone over, repeatedly, through the month of July.

This is not a "hate" discussion, per se. This is intended to be eye-opening. Also, if you have an opinion and have never watched Speed 2, you need to see it first to understand the audacious crappiness that was intended to be entertainment. The Teletubbies were intended entertainment too, yet they had a specific age focus. Who or what was the intended focus of an overproduced, overpriced, overbearing Speed 2? A movie even, let's say it together now, KEANU REEVES wouldn't staple his name to?

All of these questions will be answered, hopefully with the assistance of some of you fine fans that actually enjoy this horrid pile of drek. Honestly, I don't know how you sleep at night.

Til tomorrow.

The Barrow: A Commentary

NOTE: Dirty words will be used.

THE BARROW is a novel published by Pyr, an imprint of Prometheus Books, which focuses on science fiction and fantasy tales. It is the first prose novel by writer Mark Smylie and is set in what he calls the Known World, a backdrop recognizable to those that know of the writer’s other published creation, ARTESIA. Mark saw ARTESIA come to fruition in comic book form, first from Sirius Publications, in 1999. Subsequently, it was self-published through Mark’s own company, Archaia Studios Press, now a wholly-owned imprint of BOOM! Studios. An ardent endeavor, as Mark is both writer and artist of this incredibly detailed story.

THE BARROW is an offset “prequel” of sorts, with the spotlight on Stjepan Black-Heart, a character that appears in the ARTESIA comics and graphic novels. It is set prior to the time of the ARTESIA stories, so knowledge of the Known World or Artesia is unnecessary. Stjepan and his cohorts are on the hunt for a legendary item that could change the face of the political structure, or so they believe. That’s generally all you need to know going into the book; the basic premise is fairly standard. Fortunately, the book isn’t.

Before further observations, I shall preface this with a number of things. Firstly, I am an avowed, vocal fan of Artesia and her Known World, of which I have been since the initial issue of the first comic book series landed in my grubby, manly hands, back at the end of the Millennium. Secondly, I know the writer personally. I will do my best to be frank, but know I am predisposed to be biased. Thirdly, I have never cared for the main character. That said, onward.

THE BARROW is good. I read it in one sitting, even though I wouldn’t call it “edge of your seat” exciting. It opens well, with a “Dungeons and Dragons” adventure flair. The characters are well developed, with enough room for continued growth away from the already published ARTESIA series. As the book progresses, it swings wildly in directions atypical of the modern fantasy novel, while being firmly planted within a circle of what I, in my critical eye, see as extremely typical of the modern fantasy novel. Let me explain:

Stjepan is the “hero” of the book. He’s not what I’d term as “anti-hero”, as his motivations are way beyond his own goals. He’s a murky every-man, a persona with a hard shell and a drive not completely explored, likely on purpose. When I was first introduced to him in the ARTESIA series, I basically felt the same way – he’s the rogue, the mystery man, the probable assassin with a heart. And, if not that, he’s the guy that the writer thinks is the coolest character ever. It oozes off the page, that. That, coupled with the characters of low moral compass, is where the modern fantasy novel tends to set itself now. No longer do you have tales of the proud knight defending the honor of flag and country, of overall good against overall evil. Now, it’s the guys that do filthy things that are much more interesting; good, innocent people being crushed along the way makes it all the better. Stjepan isn’t evil, he’s got issues. Issues draw readers, I guess.

Another thing typical of the modern fantasy novel is the need to name each and every character that appears in the book. I’m not sure when it started, exactly. Robert Jordan did this to a degree no one else has, that I’m aware of. I do know that when it started, I was not unhappy with it. I liked knowing the name of that basic soldier that did something special to save the main character in a bad situation, and that he (or she) was recognized, particularly by the main character. It certainly gave the more modern stories a more human aspect that a lot of the old Sword and Sorcery tales didn’t. Still, back then, it was likely a consideration of space for publication than anything else. Maybe. In any event, the reader learns the name of a secondary (or even tertiary) character, only to have that character killed off a short time later. Am I the only person to feel shortchanged by this? All right, it’s a nitpick. Moving on…

Where THE BARROW moves into atypical of the genre is in two very big areas, at least within its own covers. Within six pages, the first curse word, “fuck”, is uttered. By the time you get to the last page, it comes close to rivaling an episode of DEADWOOD in how often swears of the sort are uttered. The language of the Known World is a curiously modern one, which does make it for an interesting mix of verbiage. Compounding that is the intense sexuality within the book, inherit to the characters and, in some cases, their entire background. In fact, the pansexuality of many of the characters may put off less worldly readers, which is too bad. Sex in the Known World is quite descriptive, as readers of ARTESIA are aware – this ain’t no kids’ book! Still, the written word does quite a bit more than the drawing can do. An excerpt: “…the winking lips of her vulva puckering in invitation.” Yes, there is a reason for that description, though I’ll leave it to you if you think it necessary or not.

THE BARROW also spends lengths of pages in detailing history of the Known World, of which I have not seen the like in a single volume story. I would tend to decry boredom when reading the amount that was laid out within the book, except in how it was brought forth. While it is not unusual to get characters to explain the machinations of countries and sovereigns, the battles that shaped the world, the heroes and villains and belief systems, it is written extremely well. The only problem with the sheer amount of world history presented is it occasionally feels like padding to the overall story of Stjepan and his party.

As stated earlier, I found the book good. It’s not new or eye-opening entertainment, which could be due to my being a fan of the Known World. The overt sexuality and modern curse words make it titillating in some ways, amusing in others and likeable overall by pushing past the staid, single-sexed (or even asexual) characters standardized by editorial design. Mark has a flair for detail that differs from other fantasy writers, likely assisted by his artist’s mind. That, and a fully fleshed out world setting obviously begs for more books, whether prose or graphic.

If nothing else, THE BARROW has thoroughly gotten my blood up to reread my ARTESIA series. If there is a new reader of the Known World, I hope they, too, get interested beyond Stjepan and inundate Mark with desperate pleas that he finishes ARTESIA: BESEIGED! Because, if readers like THE BARROW, they’re in for an even more chaotic ride when it comes to Artesia herself.

So no, Mark, I didn’t hate it.

THE BARROW is available now at better retailers everywhere. Head over to http://www.pyrsf.com/ for more information, or to Mark’s own page, http://swordandbarrow.com/wp/ for all sorts of Known World goodness.

GaryCon VI leftovers

I felt that after a two-part tale of my GaryCon VI adventure, I may have been lacking in informing some of you gamers (and even you non-gamers) of the great goods and incredibly talented folk that bulk up the convention itself. If I leave anyone off this list, it’s unintentional. I’ll try again next time.

I’m going to start with Creative Mountain Games two adventures, FIGHTING FIRE and COLD, COLD HEART. Mark of CMG created FIGHTING FIRE to benefit Ernie Gygax, Jr. after his devastating home fire that occurred just before GaryCon V in 2013. Received with great applause, it is now available on RPGNOW for purchase, with funds going to Ernie. COLD, COLD HEART was run this year and Mark says he’ll make it available soon, to do much the same as FIGHTING FIRE. Apparently, they can be run together, or separately, to the DM’s choice. (Go on, you know you want to… http://www.rpgnow.com/product/127392/Fighting-Fire--Ernie-Gygax-Benefit-Adventure) I can’t say enough about Mark and his quick, fun game designs. In fact, if you head on over to his page, you may get to see his work on resurrecting an old boardgame classic, Steal Dabrony’s Coffee. It’ll return to glory for GaryCon VII, I’m certain. http://www.creativemountaingames.com/ for fun and games!

Speaking of Ernie Gygax, he’s got a new book out called SAMMI-ZOWA VERSUS THE DUELING DRAGONS. It’s published by GP Adventures, an imprint I’m sure many of you will be hearing about in the coming months, if not already. For now, head over to https://www.facebook.com/gp.adventures to check it out, as the regular website http://www.gp-adventures.com/ is not fully active yet. If you’ve got kids, here’s a way to introduce them to that wild Gygax imagination.

The vendor room had so much to offer the gamers this year. The companies that impressed me the most (if you’re not on the list, don’t be angry – I just didn’t get to your table!) were, in no particular order: Troll Lord Games, Black Blade Publishing, North Wind Adventures, Goodman Games and Lesser Gnome Games.

n  Troll Lord (https://www.trolllord.com/) is a great operation, with the improbably charismatic Steve Chenault at the fore. Steve has done some wonderfully over-the-top things for GaryCon for some time and I can’t imagine my gaming materials being without some of the fine books they’ve produced. Keep an eye out, as they have some new Kickstarters coming up soon, which should be investigated fully. You won’t be sorry.

n  When considering Kickstarter, you have to head over to https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1409961192/metamorphosis-alpha-deluxe-hardcover-collectors-ed for Goodman Games excellent project to put the original Metamorphosis Alpha game into a collector’s print edition. It ends in 9 days and honestly, it’s a pretty interesting idea from the folks at Goodman Games, who really get the Old School Renaissance. Bully on them.

n  The OSR cannot be mentioned without Black Blade (http://www.black-blade-publishing.com/) and their OSRIC books. Not only are they good, comprehensive and worthy to play, Jon Hershberger and Allen Grohe are excellent people and gamers of note. Plus, Jon sold me some of the best hex paper I’ve seen in a long time. My future games needed it, but the players in my games may regret it… mwahahahaha!

n  You like OSR? You hear Basil Poledouris’ CONAN soundtrack in your head as you weave your way through traffic? You prefer your games called Sword and Sorcery instead of High Fantasy? Then you should be aware of Jeff Talanian’s North Wind Adventures ASTONISHING SWORDSMEN AND SORCERERS OF HYPERBOREA! If you aren’t, you should be ashamed and go back to playing diceless systems. See http://www.swordsmen-and-sorcerers.com/ for more information than I’m giving you.

n  Lastly, there is Lesser Gnome, the little company that could… and does. It’s new, it’s as OSR as you are likely going to get and I can’t talk up the box set enough. And, if you’re completely bored with OSR and just want to roll 20-siders all day long, they’ve got a Pathfinder-friendly version headed out soon, if not already. Do yourself a favor, go to the site https://lessergnome.com/ and see for yourself. Why do you need me to tell you any more than that?

Yes, there were more people jammed in that tiny vendor space than should have been. Or, more likely, it was a perfect collection of folks. I’m aiming for the latter. Isn’t it good, then, that organizations like the Dead Games Society (http://dgsociety.com/) don’t need a table. Are you one of the few that got a special pin? Are you one of the lucky that got to play in their wonderfully wacky games? Did any of them grope you inappropriately? O wait… that was asked for, never mind that. I push their presence because they bring out some of the best things in table top role-playing… creativity. Want to learn more about them? They’ve got a podcast: http://dgsociety.net/ ! Tell them Kristy McNichol sent you…

My final note will be on a forthcoming convention that isn’t GaryCon. Last year, some really weird guys put together a convention called GAMEHOLE. When I was handed a nice, shiny, thick paper stock promo card at GaryCon V, I had to chuckle at the name. It’s almost rude. I liked it immediately. They also had an incredible list of guests lined up – I just wish I could’ve gone. They are prepping now for Gamehole II, in November. I highly recommend going to their site (https://www.gameholecon.com/) and seeing what they’ve planned for this year. And then, attend in my stead, as its 99.99% unlikely I’ll be getting to Wisconsin again this year. Sigh. Sorry, Alex… I do owe you a game, though.

That’s it. I’m done with mentioning GC VI for a few months. It’s time to start on GC VII and other projects. Check in tomorrow, I’ll have something special.