I got a little behind in my planning this weekend and will
just have enough time to a list of 10 Things to do That Are Better than Speed
2. You’ll thank me for every one of them.
Number One: Watch the entire LOST series. LOST is like
watching a bonfire. You keep putting more into it, watching it rise, watching
it fall, never seeming to want to stop. And then it goes out. LOST ended with
sort of a whimper, sort of weird, almost good but not really. It was a
frustratingly bizarre show of frustratingly damned people with frustratingly
loose plot devices never concluded. And yet, every single hour – EVERY SINGLE HOUR – is better than the
121 minutes of SPEED 2.
Number Two: Drinking Irn-Bru. It’s orange, it’s Scottish and
it usually has some of the most unconventional ad campaigns seen that side of
the pond. It’s hard to locate around here, but it can be located, if you
really, really want it that bad. It sort of tastes like bubble gum with a 5lb.
bag of sugar added. It’s just not that good. The Scots love it though, and it
offends the English and the Irish at the same time, which makes me happy
sometimes. So, of course, better than watching SPEED 2. Here’s a pic so you can
recognize it:
I’ve been told that Clamato and goat’s milk are likewise
horrible drinks, but I’ve never had either. If you have, feel free to tell me
they are worse than an hour of SPEED 2.
Number Three: Listening to the actors commentary of the Lord
of the Rings films. If you ever want to listen to the most gods-awful, inane,
pointless blather that could bore your boredom, it’s this. Even so, there are occasional
flares of brilliance that shame the writers of SPEED 2. And I do mean
occasional.
Number 4: The Wheel of Time. Robert Jordan (a pseudonym)
wrote a massive fantasy series that was published from 1990 to 2013, with the
last three volumes being finished by another writer after Jordan’s death. It
was a frustratingly long series, with horrendously annoying characters, both
male and female. It, like LOST, was something that just needed to be finished.
It was an accomplishment if you could get through the first six volumes, as the
gregariously large cast made it nearly impossible to follow without the
glossary in the back of the each paperback. I would say the first three books
are arguably the best, if somewhat standard fantasy plot. If you are brave
enough to make it through all 14 volumes, including the abysmal final three, you
have become a very special person. And likely will see where I’m going with
this… as they are all better than SPEED 2, even the horrid ones.
Number Five: Spending time with V. So you’ve watched the
incredibly good, incredibly dated original V series, and then moved on to V:
THE FINAL BATTLE. You may have even gone on to the television series, and then
possibly even to the recently done “reboot” series. All in all, V was great! Wonderfully acted
with some greatly underappreciated character journeymen (and women) and effects
that were primo for the time. It’s a shame they didn’t quit while they were
ahead, or think it out just a little – V: THE FINAL BATTLE nearly undermined
the whole V concept in one fell swoop. A lizard/human hybrid chick with
superpowers? Ugh. Makes you think even Jan de Bont could save this turkey… but
no, sorry, SPEED 2 sucks shed lizard skid.
Number Six: UGGs and Leggings. You tell me you’d rather
watch SPEED 2.
Number Seven: Eat Korv. Korv is a special sausage of Swedish
descent. It’s usually pork based, with potatoes and whatever spices the Swedes
feel like throwing in at any point. I like it. It looks like grey tubes of
nastiness. I bed Jason Patric couldn’t eat it without spitting it out, which
makes me smile. This is korv:
Number Eight: Making lists of things better than SPEED 2.
Try it, you’ll find it’s pretty damned easy, as well as fun! All that crap you
like that no one else does? It’ll fit on a list like this.
Number Nine: Nicolas Cage. I’m putting this here just
because I can. Nic Cage is better than SPEED 2. Yes, even in GHOST RIDER.
Number Ten: SPEED. SPEED is better than SPEED 2, and it’s
not just because Keanu is in it. What?
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