SPEED 2 Month 2015 Day 2: Artificially Incurred

In 1969, Brian Aldiss, an English author of science fiction published a short story called “Super-Toys Last All Summer Long”. This story inspired famed film director Stanley Kubrick to opt the story for a movie sometime in the early 1970’s. While I won’t go into the intense minutiae of the Kubrick history of this option, let it be known that he himself handed the project off to his younger contemporary, Steven Spielberg, in the mid-1990’s. This project developed into the bloated budget A.I: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.

To be fair, I like Stanley Kubrick. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY is one of the highest points of filmmaking, as well as a pinnacle of the science fiction genre. I also like Steven Spielberg at times. What the hell either of them was thinking in the adaptation of the source material is so questionable it could make a summer-long racket on the insipid 500 QUESTIONS game show on NBC.

A.I. is supposed to follow the story of a robot child played by ever-so-cute Haley Joel Osment, who made things cuter on shows like MURPHY BROWN and THUNDER ALLEY before whispering his way through M. Night Shyamalan flicks. It’s sort of a depressing story to begin with, as the parents try to replace their living child with the robot, which has been programmed to “love”. Things just get creepy and weird from there, as the mother contends with the creepy and weird robot kid who sidles a lot. I mean, even Elaine Benes gave her sidler a pack of Tic-Tacs ™ to keep from being surprised – they can’t do that to a fucking robot? Creepy and weird kid robot continues that tactic until one day, after a foul incident where creepy and weird kid robot nearly kills the real son, who’d made a miraculous recovery from the iron lung with no explanation. I am honestly having a hard time recapping this shitstorm of a movie, so bear with me if I purposely jump a scene or five.

Mom, in a fit of creepy and weird love for her robot son, drops the creepy and weird robot in the middle of the forest instead of having him ground up into base parts after the foul incident. She abandons him with a robot toy called “Teddy”, a walking, talking futuristic Teddy Ruxpin ™, of sorts. Quickly to recap this: MOM ABANDONS ROBOT SON IN THE WOODS. Out of love, of course! It’s a heart-wrenching scene of utter banality that hearkens to tossing a garbage bag out of the window of a moving car. 

 (aren't they just cuuuuuute?)

Moving on, creepy and weird robot kid and his robot teddy bear companion go on a search for the “Blue Fairy”, a fable told to him at some point earlier in this already wretched celluloid mess that you hope might save what you’ve already come to hate. (Or I did, at least – let me tell you I’m personally glad I didn’t shill out my hard earned cash for this!) The search for “Blue Fairy” takes creepy/weird robot and Teddy through all sorts of fun adventures through homeless robots, robot hunters, robot arena fights and smelting pools and finally, to Jude Law playing a sex robot. Just so you’re aware, it wasn’t a big stretch for Mr. Law in this role. I think Ed Asner could have pulled this role off, it was so easy. Sex robot takes creepy/weird kid robot to see some animated silliness voiced by the late, great Robin Williams. This animated coin-op Q&A machine has more to it than the entire movie, but it’s just a plot point to push the anemic story forward to the (and I’m not giving anything away here) wholly unsatisfying conclusion.

Robot sex toy steals a flying police car/helicopter thing and he and creepy/weird robot kid and Teddy go to flooded NYC to find out some really dumb things about the reason creepy/weird robot kid was made in the first place. So basically, creepy weird kid meets his maker, the woefully undeserving of this role William Hurt, and after a freak out, flies the police car/helicopter to the bottom of flooded NYC – oh, didn’t you know? The flying police car is a submarine, too. He then pilots over to sunken underwater Coney Island, finds a statue of a “Blue Fairy” and sits there begging to be made human. While there, an underwater Ferris wheel falls over and traps the police heliosub, so creepy/weird robot kid can beg and pray to the “Blue Fairy” until the end of time to be made human. Good thing Teddy is still there to be his companion!

End of movie, right? Nope. It keeps going. Fade to thousands of years in the future, where the world has frozen over. These weird alien creatures are digging in the ice, acting as futuristic archaeologists. They find creepy/weird robot kid and Teddy still in the heliosub, still functional (!) and still wanting to be human. “Blue Fairy” crumbles in front of creepy/weird robot kid’s eyes, though it still held blue color after all these thousands of years… some paint job.

End of movie, right? No, again. The futuristic alien things, which may be robots if you catch on to that, take creepy/weird kid and Teddy to study them. They’re the best connection to humanity they’ve uncovered so far (making me thing they’re shitty archaeologists) and want to learn from them. Creepy/weird kid keeps crying about “Blue Fairy” and how he was supposed to be a real boy now, blah, blah, blah… if you are still interested, go watch the stupid movie and waste your own 146 minutes of time. More garbage happens before the robots (or aliens, you decide on your own) resurrect the mother that ABANDONED CREEPY/WEIRD ROBOT KID IN THE WOODS from a lock of her hair Teddy had kept. Funny thing is, she’ll only live for a day – a fact the future robot-aliens tell creepy/weird robot kid – and he does it anyway because he’s a selfish shit that just wants to love.

Gahhhhhhhhh this movie was so unappealingly bad it skyrocketed way, way up to the top three of terribly bad movies! I mean, it sits in second place, in a tie with INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL, fighting for position. The only saving grace in the film is Teddy, who is voiced to perfection by veteran talent Jack Angel. I mean, I give much credit to the scenery and SFX, but the movie has no interest in showing those off, so they take a back seat to Teddy, who was a more old-school animatronic creation, and done greatly. If this movie had focused fully on Teddy, I doubt A.I. would be anywhere near this month of SPEED 2. Yes, Teddy, an animatronic robot toy has shamed Jan de Bont’s creative masterfuck enough to not take the throne.

The strange thing about A.I. is that it maintains a decent average of interest on a variety of sites dedicated to film. People didn’t hate it so much as they didn’t go and see it. It had a budget of 100 million, even less than the estimated budget of SPEED 2. It made more than SPEED 2, even if it was a bomb for American viewers. It only took in 78 million here, while raking in under 160 million overseas. So, while it likely broke even, it did nothing for film but cause more questions from trivial pursuers. Who wrote that, Kubrick or Spielberg? Who thought up that scene? Who did that? Who did… ahhh fuck it, who cares? The movie is so wretched if you’re not hoping someone just rips out the battery of creepy/weird robot kid by the third scene he’s sidling through, you’re not watching the same movie. In fact, this movie is so bad, do yourself a favor and go watch BICENTENNIAL MAN with Robin Williams. That movie is basically the same plot, only less meandering, with less inferred ideals and tons less depressive nonsense. It also doesn’t have the main character have its adopted mother resurrected from a swatch of hair just to watch her die in a 24 hour period. Love, my ass.

In fact, here’s a short list of robot movies that are three hundred times more watchable than A.I: I, ROBOT. ROBOT JOX. REAL STEEL. SHORT CIRCUIT 2. Or, watch all four seasons of the 80’s television show SMALL WONDER, it’s time better spent.

I want to thank Vinnie Agosta, host of the great podcast From the Hip, for finally getting me to watch some drek. I mean, if it weren’t for him, I’d probably never have sat through the entirety of A.I. One of these days I’ll talk him into doing a podcast while the two of us and John Amenta watch SPEED 2 in payback. Tomorrow for SPEED 2 Month, I have a special surprise waiting for you. No, really.

SPEED 2 Month 2015 Day 1: Projecting

June is the official SPEED 2 Month of a Leaf on the Wind, thirty days of disseminating all sorts of movies to conclude irrevocably that SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL is the worst film ever released to the silver screen. As many visitors to A Leaf on the Wind are likely new and unaware of SPEED 2 Month, I’ll explain a little of the history of how this became an annual event.

Some years past, while discussing films and comic books and other geek nation topics at a nearby comic and game store, I happened to mention SPEED 2 and the horrifying displeasure this movie impressed upon me. It, to be blunt, was a ridiculous mess of a story, with acting better suited for a Junior High School setting. This apparently was somewhat upsetting to a friend of mine who was there at the time, Mr. John Amenta. John claimed to have enjoyed the movie, disagreeing with me that it was the worst he’d ever seen. I took umbrage to the fact that he, a man of esteemed good taste, could even find a minutes worth of entertainment in the 122 that made up the waste of celluloid. SPEED 2 became a running gag for me, particularly in response to anything that John made claim to enjoy. For myself, I took immense pleasure not only in teasing John, but in discovering how many movies, no matter how bad, are not nearly on the low level of SPEED 2.

This… celebration of inadequacy… began as an oft-mentioned topic when A Leaf on the Wind began as a weblog at Myspace. It became a daily event through the month of June a few years back, though only being fully realized last year. If you’re of stout mind, you can go through the archives and read what was done last year in conjunction with this year, which may prove to be a landmark thirty days.

What will be seen here over the next few weeks will be movie versus movie comparisons, in-depth explorations of movie making and historical research into the films of the stars of SPEED 2, the director and producers. By June 30^th, A Leaf on the Wind hopes to impress that this movie is the worst Hollywood had yet pressured upon the viewing public.

Many films have already been mentioned or viewed in previous writs. During the month there may be links to earlier postings, or “reprinting’s” of those no longer on the web. The coming month will have all new areas to explore, bringing surprises, laughs and outrage to more than just one. Feel free to contact the page or post a comment following, or even make suggestions. Nothing is set in stone at A Leaf on the Wind, even SPEED 2 Month.

Day 2 will have the first comparison of a recently viewed film that was an ungodly mess and now sits in the lowest levels of movie hell: A.I. Yet, it’s still better than SPEED 2.

Last minute plug – if A Leaf on the Wind is enjoyable, or just SPEED 2 Month itself, search out From the Hip on the web, Facebook or ITunes. From the Hip is a podcast of pop culture fun and topics that relate to it, hosted by Vinnie Agosta, with the aforementioned John Amenta and myself guesting at times. Recommended, especially if you just want to know that Amenta owns a copy of SPEED 2 but not of the previous SPEED.

Some quick commentary.

I'm way, way behind on my proposed re-read of the 1980's DC comic series SUICIDE SQUAD due to a number of factors. I would like to promote a few things, in which some are those I'm involved in.

The first of a series of articles I have planned for the KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE magazine publication appeared in issue #217 a few months back. This is the cover

and it can be found here. It's available in print and in pdf form.

In March, I once again attended GaryCon, the one and only game convention to honor Gary Gygax and his favorite pastime, table top gaming. I ran a number of games and had some prize support from a few good organizations for the players. Mythoard is an excellent monthly subscription service in the vein of Loot Crate, focused specifically on print role-playing games. There is some great product being put out these days and Mythoard definitely gets you in on that. Their support was exceptional and I cannot recommend them enough.

Rare Elements Foundry likewise gave me a large amount of their beautiful coin product to hand out to players, which I was more than happy to do. They are actual, minted coinage with gorgeous designs to suit whatever you want to use them for. Coming in May, Rare Elements will be offering a Kickstarter campaign to fund a printed adventure project, for your RPG setting. Find out more at the website!

Both Mythoard and Rare Elements have social media pages, which you smart folk can locate on your own. I don't twitter or use many of the others, so you're on your own.

Finally, I jumped on board of From the Hip, a podcast my friend Vinnie Agosta started, joining him with our mutual friend John Amenta. Some of you readers of A Leaf on the Wind will recognize Mr. Amenta as the impetus behind the world reknowned SPEED 2 Month, which is not all that far away. Give a listen to my first ever podcast here. When you're done, please listen to the previous episodes with Vinnie and John, they're damned good and you don't have me chuckling in judgement in the background.

More podcasts are planned and I'll post them here as they are released.

A Leaf on the Wind should resume regularly soon, so get excited!

Those that are About to Die

DC Comics released a company-wide crossover series that changed the face of comic books and the industry forever in 1985. Spanning 12 issues, this finite “maxi-series”, called the Crisis on Infinite Earths was meant to change the ongoing continuity of the characters they’d been publishing over their then 50 year history. As a young reader at the time, I was completely enthralled by this tale. I’ll admit at the time I was reading more of the Marvel titles than DC, even though I felt more affinity towards DC. Superman and Batman. Wonder Woman and Aquaman. Green Lantern and Green Arrow. These guys I knew much better than the Hulk or Iron Man or Captain America. CRISIS brought me back into their worlds with such a great blow; I wouldn’t leave for another quarter century.

Once CRISIS had concluded and new titles were being released and old titles were being revamped, the company was looking for the next big crossover hit. LEGENDS was meant to be that hit, and within it a number of new titles were going to be introduced. One of which was the newest incarnation of the Justice League, soon to be called the Justice League International. Another was what would become one of the greatest, most interesting and influential series to come out of the late 80’s. It was the Suicide Squad.

 

THE SUICIDE SQUAD was the brainchild of Editor Robert Greenberger and writer John Ostrander. In fact, you can read Mr. Greenberger’s own words about the Squad here. Though the Squad originated in old DC war comics, this iteration would be almost wholly new, with more than just a nod to the past. A good in- and out of-house advertising campaign, as well as an incredibly striking first issue cover had me more than intrigued to read the series when it was released. Their introduction in LEGENDS was brief and interesting, initiating a lengthy involvement with Batman and other costumed heroes of the DC Universe, but it didn’t even come close to how good the book itself would become.

Imagine the Dirty Dozen with costumes and super powers

and you have the basics of the Suicide Squad.

Characterization and story were a high point within the original 66-issue run (plus specials) of the series, which introduced readers to greatly fleshed out versions of bottom-tier villains or long forgotten heroes. With a strong espionage background, many characters came out of print retirement to really shine, such as the former Charlton Comics character of Sarge Steel

and Tom Tresser, the Nemesis.

By and large, the series was structured around the best “supporting character” ever to come out of comics, the potent Amanda Waller. This is how I imagine Amanda when I think of her, regardless of recent interpretations in comics or television:

Amanda is either loved or loathed, depending on the reader, or even the characters she’s involved with in a storyline. You will see what I mean as I roll out my plan for what will, over the course of time, be my ultimate review of a series I cannot love enough.

Recently, as can be seen in Bob Greenberger’s column (if, at this point, you haven’t read it, go do so, I’m not saying it again), Warner Bros has released information regarding a Suicide Squad movie starring a few ‘name’ actors. While I’d rather see something more in tune to the series I enjoy so much, it’s definitely going to be geared towards the series currently being produced, within the continuity auspices of the present “Nu52” DC Universe. That’s fine, particularly if it brings more attention to what started it all, and who started it all. And because of all this added attention, I’m going to do something I’ve wanted to do for some time now, which is re-read the series in its entirety, from the beginnings in LEGENDS to the crossover issues with the Justice League, Captain Atom and others, to the incredibly downbeat and overlooked DEADSHOT mini-series and beyond. It’ll be irregular, hopefully once a week, maybe even more so. When they’re posted, they’ll be here. Share them as much as you want; I don’t mind. The Squad was one of the series that really got me heavily into letterhacking, the lost art of writing to letter columns for print. Maybe when the time comes, I’ll investigate that, too.

 

Closing Sunday

On the last day of the New York Comic Con I had one event scheduled and I wasn’t sure I was going to make it on time. I had to pack up all my stuff, finish and send off a few more articles to Bleeding Cool and then hop the bus. I chose to go easy and not push it because, really, it wasn’t a big deal to miss the panel on the first New York comic convention from the sixties. The armchair historian in me was interested, but I was already a smidge disillusioned in both the editing and practices of running articles on Bleeding Cool and didn’t think there’d be many readers for said topic. Considering the large amount of my submitted topics that didn’t run, I think I made the right choice.

I ran an hour later than I wanted, then the bus ran late due to traffic headed into the city. I was overburdened with my baggage and walked slowly to the show, enjoying the sunny weather after a dreary, drippy Saturday. As is usual in Hell’s Kitchen, the weekend has a flea market that takes over a couple of blocks near the convention center. Walking through it, I noticed a number of smart vendors selling comics, as well as a number of convention attendees shopping at their tables. I didn’t stop to shop, I wanted to dump my bags off at the check area and go about my loosely organized day. Well, I should say that I didn’t intend to shop. While walking through the market, I spotted on a high display, a copy of the Milton Bradley American Heritage Series game, Broadside. A simple battle game of naval combat, it hit my “want” list earlier in the year when playing a similar game. As it was originally produced in the Sixties and reprinted in the Seventies, I didn’t think I’d find a complete copy in good condition. I also certainly didn’t think I’d be finding it at the Hell’s Kitchen flea market on my way to the New York Comic Con. Yet, there it was, beckoning me. So, I swung into the booth and called out to the grubby little guy there. 20 bucks was not an unreasonable price, but the damned box was huge and I contemplated how I was to carry it home in one piece. The box was not crushed, and it looked reasonably decent for its age. The grubby little guy decided to show it to me while another “customer”, a bent character with a motor mouth, went on about howgreatthegamewasandhowhehaditwhenhewasakidandtheothergameswithitandIshouldgetitbecauseit’singreatshapeandhewisheshecouldgetitagainandplayitisn’titnice? What was worse is that the game sat underneath two other MB American Heritage Series games, Hit the Beach and Battle Cry, both of which I took a look at, too. All three were complete, the boxes uncrushed and even reinforced to keep from crushing. Someone took care of these games for some time before selling them. Then grubby little flea market guy offered all three of them to me for 50 bucks. Jeebus, what a deal. I really, really wanted them but, running low on funds and the ability to haul them around was daunting me. I wanted that Broadside, though. So, as I am wont to do now, I take the chance when I can. I bought Broadside and added it to my pile of baggage.

Getting into the show was horrendous. I had to walk the length of the building three times right off the bat. Once to get to the gate for Press and Pros, back to the other end to baggage check because the one near my entrance was full, then back in the other direction to meet with people I’d meant to search out and chat with for the website. I also wanted to find a large enough bag to carry around the game I purchased, since the plastic shopping bag given to me by little grubby flea market guy wasn’t large enough by any means. While trying to find all those people I wanted to chat with, I picked up one of the giant shoulder strap bags I’d seen all over the con during the weekend. One was a Walking Dead TV show bag, the other a Star Trek bag with a huge delta symbol on it. Yeah, after asking some kid where he got his, I went right to the Star Trek booth to pick one up. It was perfect for that game – a carrying strap, large enough to completely contain the box and with Velcro fasteners to seal it shut! Here’s a pic of the game and the bag. 

 The day progressed slowly and I kept missing everyone I was looking for. By mid-day I chose to take off, making the rounds to say goodbye to all my friends and compadres, including the new ones met at the show this year. I picked up a copy of Action Johnson at the Mythopoeia booth, intending to email the creator since we kept missing each other, and beat feet out of Manhattan as quick as I could. I was not unhappy to leave. I was tired. I was broke. I wanted to be in my own house, if that’s to be believed. I had a lot to think about when it came to conventions: how they’re perceived, promoted and written about. I had a lot of information and a lot of new contacts. Would it be worth the time and energy this year? I still haven’t decided if it was. It’s a big show. It’s comics, but it’s more of a splotchy, explosive hype with no streamlined focus. It’s all about the now and less about the what-made-the-now. You were a star artist in 1990? You’re likely a forgotten commodity at a show like this. You’re a third-string actor on a top-rated television show and you’re not charging for signatures? You’re probably going to get a line longer than a New York city block. You’re wearing a costume? You’re going to have your picture taken, sometimes by people making money off of it. You’re a woman in a costume? You’re going to have terribly sexist comments made either at you, or after you’ve walked by. A show can go as far as “Cosplay is not consent”, but what does it encompass? Tell me how that gets enforced, if it does at all.

I can’t not recommend going to the show if you never have, and feel it’s something you really want to do. It is an experience. It may not be exactly what you expect and it may not be what you hoped. It’s expensive. It’s crowded. It seems to always suffer from some weird situation at least once every year (like this one), but you may enjoy it. You may have fun. You may get some great deals at vendors for whatever you’re looking for. You will probably meet some great people, particularly if you’re social. You will find some great new products. You will find smaller press comics that never get the recognition they deserve and you will hopefully support them and buy. In fact, I insist you do. Find that comic or game or movie or book that really strikes your fancy and buy it. Support it and promote it when you can. Word of mouth is a great tool and you know you want to be “that guy”. You know which, the one that was there on the ground floor of something spectacular.

One last plug for everything and then I’m done with this hideous recollection.

Read EGOs by Stuart Moore and Gus Storms from Image Comics.

Read The Seven Scrolls of Shitorio by J.J. Kirton and Tristan Powell from Walk on Water Productions.

Read FUBAR by the various writers and artists that work on it, FUBAR Press.

Play the many games from Steve Jackson Games, including the popular Munchkin series and the recently re-released Car Wars.

Play the games being released from the new, solid IDW Games.

Try out the new Castle Assault game from Momentum Volsk.

Read Nathaniel Burney's books, The Illustrated Guide to Criminal Law and The Illustrated Guide to Criminal Procedure.

Check out the art of Dave Wenzel.

Read the great volume of titles from Action Lab, which run the gamut from books for kids to blood and guts.

Search out and play Legends of the Three Kingdoms from Ziko Games.

Look for more art from Michael Montenat.

Read Skies of Fire from Mythopoeia and Action Johnson from writer Nic Shaw.

Try out one of the series from Big Dog Ink.

You want the coins from Rare Elements Foundry.

Read Looking for Group and then play the game!

For information on next year’s NYCC, stop by their site.

Lastly, Stay Cool with all your pop culture and detailed news at Bleeding Cool.

Thanks to Bryan for the ride down, Gail for the place to crash and Cliff for the ride home. Good to see you again Tara, Chris, Stuart, Amenta and Miriam. To all of you that I met this year, don’t disappear on me as I’ve plans afoot for a convention of my own. Franchesco, I’ll find you next time, you crazy artist guy. And finally, Mark Smylie, where are youuuuuuuuuu...